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Its just too much right now (sorry for the long backstory)
4 years ago · 0 · long distance relationsh..., +4 · Explicit
306
So how do I start.
I am a 22 year old male from germany. I am studying and have a job as a bartender. I do have a large pool of people i know. I would only call a couple my friends.
In the last couple of years i went through a lot of changes. At school i was more of a lonely person. Had barely anyone to talk to or anyone who i could do activites with. This somehow changed as i got to university. The nerdy vibe i sent out didnt affect anyone as much. Everyone was somehow a nerd.
I did not become popular really but i had my fair share of friends. I found a girl who liked me and i liked her. Everything seemed to be going great. Then this girl, by then my girlfriend of two years tells me that she will go to Japan for a year and we broke up. This really hit me hard since she broke up with me after a couple of weeks abroad with the explanation that she found someone else who she likes better than me. Pretty much a kick in the balls. And somehow the re-realization that I am nothing worth. I can be changed by anyone. I started to smoke weed a lot more, drink more alcohol but also excercising more. I just needed my body to be weak to not be able to think.
I was a lot more outgoing, probably due to drinking and wanting my mind to be busy. There I met a girl. She was way older than me and from a different country. Somehow i managed to charme her. We had fun for a week but then she had to leave but that was fine since we both knew it was just fun and nothing else.
This boosted my ego quite a bit. I was feeling confident again. People can like me.
It was my ending with sadness really. I stopped smoking and pulled back the drinking to an appropriate amount.But kept excercising a lot. I went to a couple of university parties and then met her. I have known her since i started studying. Well i did not really know her. I was aware of her existence. She was always at the same parties as me and we had some common friends. But at this party i actually got to KNOW her. She is amazing. I could tell you the usual smart, cute and sexy stuff. And it woud be true. But to me the important things were that she could listen to me and opened up to me as well. She had exactly the style i love in women. No makeup. No fancy dress no high heels. Just her in jeans with a big jumper and a cap. I never realized how pretty she was before then.
As we were talking we figured that we do have quite a lot of things in common. Sports, field of study (kinda), love for some other things.
I asked her to go climbing with me - as friends. And from then on we did activities together almost constantly. It was amazing. And then at one party she dragged me upstairs to a balcony and kissed me.
To be honest it was a little complicated at first and we did decide on it being something casual at first. But after a couple of months (more like a month and a week) we realized how much we actually mean to each other.
The big BUT, which made me cautious about a relationship at first- was that she will go to South Corea for 4 months. What can I say i was blinded.
We decided to do an open relationship during that time. We did set some rules and most importantly that we will tell each other anything that happens.
She has been there for almost 2 months now. And she told me a bout a guy she made out with. Which is cool. But then she kept talking about how much time they spent together. And somehow the only thing i hear is all of them going out or drinks and them making out. That was not how i thought things would go. And in the last couple of days she seems distanced too.
She barely rights back and way too often its just a simple ":)" .
I am afraid that the same thing that happened as we started seeing each other is going to happen to her as well.
I did try to tell her but whenever istart she says how glad she is to have me and that i offer her so much freedom.
I do want to offer her anything she wants. I want her to be happy. But i am afraid to loose her. I want to be with her. I love her. I really do.
I am comfortable talking to her. I have told her things i never told anyone. About my anxieties. About me being depressed esspecially back in high school. Me having some problems with an eating disorder shortly before i met her. Things not even my closest friends or family knows.
But lately she just isnt the same. I told her i worry and she said the more you worry about me leaving the more likely it will get.
Why does she do that to me?
So thats part one of my life falling apart.
The second is my group of close friends. I have 4 really close friends. We do basically anything together. From playing games, to going on vacation together or anyting else. But in the last coupke of months my best friend went through some changes. He didnt come to any meet ups we had. We played a pen and paper and he just stopped showing up. He didnt come to our weekly bar night. Nothing. Then he explained it to us and we were understanding. He came for a couple of weeks but then he stopped again. And didnt reply to any of our texts.
He just disappeared from our group of friends. And from me.
The two people closes to me left me within a couple of days and i dont know what to do.
I miss them both.
The next point is my sister. She just got into medical treatment at the hospital for her depression. I knew she wasnt feeling well but never realized how bad the situation actually was. She is handling the situation well but i started reading up on some things and realized that a lot of different symptoms might be concerning me as well. Which really scared me. Should i go see a specialist as well? Should i talk to someone?
I know this all might not sound too bad. There are a few more minor reasons why i am stressed, sad and alone.
Its really hard to me to talk about everything in details. But it felt incredibly good to write all these things down. I dont know who to turn to right now. I do feel comfortable to talk to some people about diferent topics. But there is not a single person who i can talk to about everything.
Nobody sees the whole me. Which i suppose is a good thing. I dont like to be weak. I dont want people to see my misery.
Right now as i am writing this i am waiting for texts from so many people. My girlfriend, my best friend, some new friends who i thought might like me, my sister, my best female friend who i can usually talk to about most of these things but who is busy at the momentsince she was a close friend with my best friend as well.
I am not sure what i expect through writing and posting this. I dont know whether i want advice, comforting words. Mostly i wanted to tell it someone. And since i dont know who that someone can be, I am glad to have this site.
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