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4 weeks ago · · Depression,
I've come to the point of losing feeling anymore. Nothing is working to make me feel anything except the pain I'm thinking of inflicting on myself.
I feel like such a failure, and a bad person. I don't want to talk to anyone but at the same time, I need help. I have friends, but the one person I confide in the most is so so so mad at me. She has on more than one occasion accused me of speaking to her like a child (I stand firm in the fact that I don't do this), tells me I'm not understanding her (I do, but she just doesn't listen when I say I do), and is so terribly defensive I can't help but think maybe I AM the bad person in this situation, even though I wasn't argumentative or trying to attack her or anything. I didn't even swear at her - she had some choice words for me, on the other hand.
Not only that, but in the group chat we're in, she posted the titles of two songs she was listening to at the moment. I feel like she's going to deny it when I ask, but I know deep in my heart that it's about what we're going through and the lyrics of them really make me seem like some sort of villain. I don't think it's fair that she's posting them publicly knowing full well I can see them, and honestly after she posted that first song that's when that numbness came over me and when I decided I was going to hurt myself today. God, if she knows that's the reason I did it she would get so mad at me. But then again, I think to myself "what's new? If she's not mad at me over this, she'll be mad over something else."
I started small, just scratching my skin with my long fingernails to get SOME sensation in me. It hurt cause it's been six months since I did anything of this nature, but I don't want to stop and I'm afraid I'm not going to, anyway.
I wasn't mad at her at all. I don't blame her for doing what I'm doing to myself, but I do wish she had kept those songs to herself. Telling me through song that she's building walls around herself to "keep me out" hurts more than anything she's said to me before. Telling me through song that I "treat her bad" and that friends say "I use her" makes me want to cry and confront her about it.
But she messaged me first, saying she was too angry to speak to me at the moment and was waiting until she was in a better headspace.
I wish I had other people to talk to. I rely on her so much - she's my best friend, my soulmate, but at times like these it makes me realise how alone I am. I don't think she understands the things I do so that I don't upset her. There's someone she doesn't like in our group chat, but who I am friends with. I try not to reply to him or even use bots so that he won't join and try to talk to me, because I know it'll make her upset or mad and I don't want to argue.
Meanwhile, she flaunts her friendship with someone I don't like that much in my face all the time, and I say nothing.
I tried messaging someone else I could talk to, but I guess they're sleeping. I'm turning to some other people to see if they can help and it's kinda helping just getting this all out on a few platforms.