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I found you intimidating at first, with your vast group of friends and that self confidence that is so inspiring. But thanks to a mutual friend, I was able to meet you. Soon, I had found in you a friend I could lean on. I don't think we'll ever meet in person. I live across the ocean from you and I barely have two cents to rub together these days. You were there for me when I was in pain and had no one else to turn to. Your smile is contagious and your laugh is music to my ears. I love that you have a pet dog that you dote on and warms your heart everyday. I love you so much, though thanks to my mental health issues, it's entirely possible that I have idealised you. Yet, I haven't felt happier or closer as I do when we spend time together. We are both women who have had a lot thrown at us before even meeting. I get to have something to look forward to at the end of each week. A chance to hear your voice and get up to shenanigans. I would absolutely date you if I ever had the chance, but I would also be too terrified to even venture in that direction. We have both had our hearts broken, but I would risk breaking mine again to be with you. I would not risk yours, however. You are just too precious. It's easy, because not only don't you swing that way, we might never meet. I could never reveal the immense crush I have on you, but I do just want to give you a big tight hug and cherish this wonderful friendship we have. Maybe it's the recent breakup I've had, but I am caught between fearing I'll be alone, wanting to be held by someone every night, or shutting myself in a room to never emerge again because love captivates and terrifies me at the same time. This is a strange way to heal, if this is at all healing. But you are my best friend and maybe if I told you, maybe the feelings would pass. It can't be real, after all. I was hurting and admittedly I was crushing before the relationship ended. I read that it was normal, but I felt no less freaked out by the thoughts I've been having. Thoughts that have intensified since my ex called it off. I was able to rationalise it the night before. Perhaps deep down, the feelings aren't real, but the idea is. What I want is someone as generous as my ex was, and as understanding and warm as you are. Someone who loves animals as much as you. Someone who believes people should be open about mental health. Someone who believes kindness should be paid forward. Someone who loves love just as much as you, if not more. I must be creating a criteria based on the best traits of the people in my life that I want in a partner, and my brain is just turning that into inappropriate thoughts. I am not a horny teenager anymore, but apparently this breakup has made me into a needy mess that wants to hook up with people who absolutely deserve better than that. Thank goodness I never said anything out loud. But before I can even date again, I need to live for myself. Remember who I am when I'm not someone's girlfriend. I know you are cheering me on, my dear friend. I wrote all this because I feel guilty for the thoughts I've had. Because it feels dishonest. I have no intentions, just a brain full of heck. I haven't the mind or the confidence for hookups. I get attached to my bed fellows too easily. I have resolved to not do anything intimate outside of a relationship and hope that the emptiness from my last relationship passes and the hormones from my muddled chemistry settle down. I wonder if anyone else has this issue? I love you, my friend. So that's why I'm keeping all this to myself and posting it anonymously for strangers to pick apart.
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maybe you did idealize her and the friendship. especially since you just came out of a relationship, you might just love the feeling of being wanted. if that makes sense
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