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My Unsent Letter
8 months ago · · Friendship,
(All the names listed here aren't real.)
Do you still remember that time we dressed up as princesses with Joey and Apple and jumped on the trampoline singing "Happy?" Or do you remember that time we put makeups on each other's friends, back when we were still friends with Amber? That time we played hide-and-seek in my house and I hid behind the curtains? I missed these memories, I missed you.
It's your birthday soon. Are you excited to meet up with our old friends? Or are you looking forward to going back to our old school to meet our teachers?
I know that we will have different friends now that we are in different classes, but do you remember that night we promised each other we will be BFFs and will always be there for each other?
I wish that we could go back in time, back to a year ago, when we were best friends. We did so many fun things together back then. You used to make me laugh so hard over the simplest things. I just hope that things might still be the same despite our distance now.
I want you to do well in junior high and make new friends, but I can't help myself being jealous of your new friends. I'm sorry, but they are taking up the space I used to have in your heart, and I want to remain there always.
Yesterday, you and a bunch of your friends are washing the mop in all three basins with SOAP. You didn't even talk to me even though we were only standing there waiting for your turn. I understand that they are your friends now, but why did you ignore me almost completely, and didn't let me go first? Did you know that there was a ceremony just two minutes later? You and your friends can keep on washing your mop with soap, and you'll probably get in less trouble when you're in a group, but I'm all by myself. Why did you do that? Do you know how much that hurts me?
Now it's like the only time you only talk to me is when you're asking my score in the exams. It's like we have nothing to talk about. There once was a time that we can talk about anything, like Stanley's "dying struggling face", or a crow flying across the room squawking like a frog.
I hid under the covers and cried every single night for summer school, do you know? You still talk to me every day after school then. Now it's only Monday and Friday and both of them are AWKWARD. It's just because there are Cherry and Cookie and the boys that I didn't flip.
We're going to the room escape this Sunday. Will it be just as awkward or will it be as we used to be because there are only classmates from elementary school?
We are so unstable right now. Words can't express how much I missed the old days. And we are so distant, like I've mentioned before. So maybe this might be a good place to clear things out for us and Amber, even though I know you will never read this unless I show you, which I never will.
That day before the photo shoot, you told me that you didn't want Amber in our group. I wanted her to be with us back then, but I sort of understand your reason for not wanting her in our group - believe me, I feel it too. I don't see how she and you can be happy if you don't want her in our group and you're making that pretty obvious. So I agreed and you think I side with you now. Amber and I didn't speak for a whole day, and that was awkward since she sits next to me was one of my best friends except for you. We made up after school. I apologized, I haven't been honest with her and tell her my true feelings about her doings. Personally I couldn't bear to see her face fall and neither could you. You told me that's why you chose that day to tell me you didn't want her in our group because she didn't come to school.
That night her mother called me at 9 and talked for 2 hours straight, trying to set me against you. She keeps on telling me what she and Amber did for me, such as getting me to join them in the spring when you didn't want me to go. Or the times you were unrespectful to her. She even told me things such as you called her daughter a slug in her face when Amber keeps on asking you to throw away her trash and you said no.
The next day, she's literally the sweetest she has ever been. She offers to do things for me and didn't do anything that usually annoys me(though I usually keep my feelings guarded). I was really surprised and I keep on asking myself what did I do to deserve that.
But that didn't last long. 2 days after, I started to feel like she is out for revenge since she sticks to my side even when I'm trying to get to talk to you. And I'm not as stupid to bring her to you to cause yet another argument. So we get to exchange a few words a day, and that's it. Honestly, I was starting to think you are angry with me for getting on better terms with Amber so soon since we quarreled. But you told me later on that you think I'm angry at you for whatever reason I might have. But no, I want to be friends with you forever.
We started talking more again since we confessed, but I still spend more time with Amber than with you since 70% of all times she managed to catch me before I sneak off to you. Then one day, she took a water balloon in my drawer (one that I snatched from Ken when he's throwing it with Daniel) and starts throwing it with me. I don't know why we ended so close to your desk. She seems to seize her chance and told me that we could drop it on your desk and it might break. I tried to snatch it from her. She tightened her grip on it but I managed to get it away from your desk. It broke. On top of me and some of it still splashed your handbag.
The bell rang just then. I'd expect her to help me at least clean up a bit - it's someone else's seat, not ours! Also, my uniform's soaked. And the shirt is white, so it sort of turns pale when it's wet - which makes it see-through. I'm lucky that most of the water landed on my skirt, but still, it's embarrassing. But she just laughed and walked off. I was simply furious - I thought that she was at least decent enough to help me dry off, but she laughed throughout the next class. That's why I turned cold to her so abruptly.
Then one day my mother invited her to a Laser Gun game with Cherry and several of my sister's friends. I know that Cherry thinks similar with me - with us. I talk to Cherry more than I talk to Amber - I guess that this is perfectly understandable. But later when we went bowling her mother keeps on pestering me for the whole time and I was like ARRRGH and Cherry was glaring at her but she's too thick-skinned to notice. That's when I ended things with her, but mostly it's her mother's fault, but still, she told her mother everything, even the note we exchanged when we were fighting and her mother actually took a picture of it and sent it to my mother. How completely embarrassing.
So I answered your question of why I asked you how can her mom be a counselor when she couldn't even tell when someone wants her to shut up and go away. I hope you understand.
But now I thought about it, I'm ashamed of what I did and I regret it. I judged what her mother did and spilled all that anger and annoyance on her. She didn't deserve it, if I think seriously. And I trust you completely back then, I do what you tell me to without question. That's my weakness - follow too easily but never leading or voicing my own thoughts. But there's always a lot going on inside me.
I don't know why I trusted you so blindly back then - doing everything you asked me to, believing in everything you told me. So much has changed now. You had my complete trust, but now I feel like there's only 50% left, maybe even less. And I don't know about how you feel. Maybe you have no trust for me from the start.
I don't care. What matters to me most is that you weren't here when I needed you, you were too busy going off with your new friends. You ignored me COMPLETELY. I know I'm not suppossed to feel jealous, I have to accept that things are different and I have to move on, but still. I know that I should wish you to be happy with your new life, with your new friends. Somehow I can't. For that I'm sorry. You've always been such a great influence to my life. But nothing can change it, the fact that we arent' close, or change me. This is simply the way we are - and the way I am - now.