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I am sitting by myself here at home while you are at work. My mind is going 1000 MPH and I can't achieve to calm it down. Ever since that day that you made the decision on the wrong choices. You put me in the dark and you were unfortunate enough, I found something out. I wish I would've been strong enough to hide things like a psychopath. I hate so much how you get the most humane part of me. I hate how you make me feel vulnerable and comfortable around you. You are the last person I had faith in my life, the only person I care for in any aspect. Now I am feeling loneliness coming back to me. Now, when we sleep side by side, I still feel alone. You show concern for me, you notice I have changed. Well what did you expect? To hurt me and keep me there, pretty, same, happy, goofy, talkative, extroverted? I am an idiot, that I am, but I am not stupid. For my disgrace I do function and can observe what happens around me. Shitty how this can be a blessing and a curse. I want to die every time you tell me I am not the same, but your actions do not show the concern your words speak. Do you think that telling me something means any action towards the solution? That is like talking crap about bad politics but not getting involved into the cause of real change. That is what you are doing with me, you are just treating me like a bad conversation on politics. And it is all good, I can still smile at you, and I will share my love for you, with you, because I love you. But I am in pain and life fucking sucks without my friend, my love, my all.
I remember how we used to be when we were dating, how I miss those times. You were more loving, you would hold my hand back more often. You would miss me every moment we stayed away. Now, after few years married, you need time off from me. I feel like I stayed in the honeymoon by myself, I feel sad and lonely, I feel weak and vulnerable. And I hate so much how society and most people that would even bother to read this far actually agreed that I just should be a man and take it because life sucks. Everyone of you that read and thought this, you know well at some level you wish life wasn't as shitty. After all, one day we will be all dead and then all that mattered is what was, not what will. I become every waking second of my life that very same concept, I become what was. It breaks me, that what was of me, it's not an important part of you. But know this, what was of me, you always were an important part of it.
I miss you, terribly. There is no harder thing than missing someone you get to see everyday, yet, the closeness is not there anymore. While you hug me sometimes, every few days I would get a physical emotional expression from you, I feel you are doing it more out of the habit. I sense how you move on from that so quick, without much thought, or maybe it is just me, maybe I am just this obsessive. At the end of the day, I am the one that has a problem, not you.
While I can not find fake people to make real friends with, you don't face such troubles. You have found so many people, and been fortunate enough to see them backstabbing one another while smiling all together. And yet, you tell me you are in a good place, a place full of opportunities. It almost feels as if you put in a balance the importance of us together next to a bunch of strangers that don't give a plain shit about you and had shown that to you time and time again. But hey, I am just a fool insecure idiot, what the hell do I know, right?
I want to die every time you ask me to speak up, but you have proven to me that you are not ready to listen to what I have to say. Really, I am that bad? Go on, say it if that is what you feel. It is already normal to me when you downgrade me on any level of comparison you take me upon some idealistic image. I would compare you some time, if I could. Just to give you a taste of that sour and disgusting experience, to see who holds you dear; compare you to a fucking stranger for the sake of good qualities that are nothing more that an act put well together. And how can you blame anyone, here you were comparing me, so for all I can give you a feedback, the act worked. It made you think and compare me with a stranger, that means it works. I would never compare you, never did, never would. I understand that you are unique the way you are. I married you because I could see through your troubles and see the beautiful person you hide beneath your issues.
Loneliness can be a sad place and it is a boring place too. But the worse, that place goes with me everywhere I go. I can not get rid of it, no matter how far you go, no matter how I try to make myself feel, I am still lonely.
I used to like doing my own things but with the pass of time I am only learning new ways to hate who I am what I was. There are so many humiliating parts of our relationship I won't even get into details. I could write a book about us, it would be a best seller. Not because it would be a good book, but because it would be so unheard of and pathetic, people would get it just to entertain their minds with what it is of my days. Of the messy place my mind is.
And all I wish for, is to have you as you have me. I wish you would not take me for granted like I feel, see, and know you do.
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I do not know if you want advice or not, but you should find someone who loves you. Please do not stay with a person who does not care about you. It will hurt you in the end. I hope you find someone who loves you.
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