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I am not okay. I honestly haven't been for a while and I know it. As a student living in a student-city it is very easy to find something to get distracted from your feelings. You just go out with some friends and pretend to have the time of your life, while drinking and doing stupid stuff that young people do. But what about the morning after? Or what about the day you find yourself lying down in your bed with absolutely nothing to do and nobody to talk to? Well, if you are or ever were at college, you'll probably relate: it is the most fucked up thing ever, and every student experiences this once in a while. You know... when all the anxiety, sadness and loneliness that you've been covering with other activities finally reappear in your head and there is absolutely nothing you can do to make it go away.
The truth is that the feeling that I most often find myself fighting against is loneliness. Being lonely scares me like nothing else in the world... and the truth is that I feel lonely most of the time. I don't really know why because I actually have a lot of friends, but something doesn't seem right. I think a part of it is that I don't really have a girl-bestfriend in this city. I am one of those girls who hang out with guys most of the time. It's not that I don't want to have girlfriends, it's just that ever since I stopped being friends with this one girl who was in fact my best friend, I haven't been able to find any good girlfriend. I really trust my guy-friends... but there are things that you can only talk with girls and having to keep this things to myself is probably part of the reason why I feel lonely.
And there is also Lucas... Lucas is a guy who used to be my roommate and really quickly became my best friend. The only problem is that I have been in love with him ever since I met him, but he has a girlfriend. They are in an open relationship, which makes things even harder for me because I know I could have Lucas if I wanted to, but I would most likely fuck our friendship up... and I love him way to much to risk losing him. The fact that he has a girlfriend doesn't hurt anymore... but what really hurts is to know that he is the person with I have the most fun in the entire world because nobody understands me like he does. Sometimes, when I see him, I see a reflection of myself and I know I would marry him without even blinking if I had the chance. So it doesn't really hurt that he has a girlfriend... it hurts to know that I'll always secretly hope for the day I get a shot with him. I know Lucas really cares for me... he's shown it to me a thousand times in a thousand different ways. And even if he breaks my heart very often, he is the beat thing that has happened to me.
Now... Lucas has a very good friend, whose name is Noah. I met Noah almost at the same time I met Lucas. In the beginning, it was very obvious that Noah liked me. I liked his attention a lot but I didn't really have feelings for him. Once, we hooked up at a party and from that moment on, our friendship has been like a fucking roller coaster. Sometimes he seeks for my attention and we talk and have fun together... and the day after he decides to completely ghost me for a week or so. And then, someday he decides to be nice to me again. This has already been going on for almost a year and I really don't know what he wants from me and I'm afraid to ask Lucas and that he will tell him. I told for myself for a long time that I should not fall for those stupid childish games of Noah... but that hasn't really worked that well lately. The thing is, I know he is a very sweet guy and when we are in a good place (I have to admit that as a reaction to his weird behaviours, I sometimes also act kinda weird when he is around) I have so much fun with him and I find him very funny and sweet. Lucas is a player, but Noah is not. I thing he would like to be one, but he is too much of a good guy to actually be the kind of person who feels satisfied with one night stands and stuff like that.
Our summer holidays ended 2 weeks ago, so we are all back in college. For the past two weeks, I really haven't been able to stop thinking about Noah and WHAT THE HECK DOES HE WANT FROM ME, and if I only have a crush on him to get distracted from Lucas or if I actually like him. All I know is that every time that Noah and Lucas hang out and they don't tell me, all of these feelings of anxiety, depression and frustration come back. I can't stop thinking about things like: " they probably didn't invite me because they don't want me to hang out with them" "I would love to ask him if I can go but the only reason I know they're hanging out is because I keep stalking them on snapchat-location... " "Why do I keep obsessing about two guys when one of them has a girlfriend and the other one is clearly very complicated?"
Well... I just really wanted to write this anonymously because I have the feeling that I can't share these feelings with anyone I know
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I feel for you and honestly I hope you find peace of mind
But just remember that you can't have your bread buttered on both sides so you'll have to make a decision life in a fantasy world with Lucas or get real with Noah
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