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Hey... so this is going to be a text about how fucked my life is. It all starts with just being born, like everyone else, of course, I don’t remember what happened to when I was a newborn. But because I was born in living this life. I can't escape it I never could escape. I could only run and hide for as long as I could. however nobody can hide forever, the dark will always catch up to you. you'll have everything taken from you and it leaves you broken, chattered and unrepairable.
you cant see the end of the tunnel, you run away from your mother's bitings, away from the bully’s, away from school. you can only see the disappointment in their eyes. day in and day out, scared of all the bad things you can be punished for. You have nobody, those so-called "friends" of yours tell your secrets and leave you with "you didn’t give me the support that I needed". you try and try to be a great person, a person everyone can be with. but it destroys you, it tears you apart. the you that is screaming for help is hidden behind a beautiful, smiling and kind mask.
You pray that your younger sister will be able to live a perfect life you would never be able to have. What if something bad was to happen it will happen to you instead. She was the last thing that of you, the one to carry your lost childhood. The one to have the "happy ending", to have a lot of friends, real friends, to have aunts and uncle that would protect her better than you. "I can't have this life anymore" is a thought that is always there, you search the ways to end the suffering, end the hatred, just end it all. but you remember those small amount of people that were there for you. you don’t want to see them suffer, even if I rather be free.
free. its a word I never associated with myself, I'm not free from the helplessness and the pain. the pain just grows with you, I felt this pain become too big for you and you want to end it all. it's so easy to just end it all. it could probably help so many people if I just didn’t exist. why should I exist if even my mother those give two shits about me after 16 fucking years! I want to be free! to be away from all of this and just start over. clean slate, clean head and no mother or father that argue about all these small fucking shit.
I have had the police in my house so many times that I have become so used to seeing them. Right now they are here too, mom and dad fought again, which was a stupid fight because my dad said he would wash the goddam plates tomorrow and my mother freaks out and grr. I'm supposed to have a consort this weekend, but I think I have to call in sick. and just stay with my grandparents, just hope my mother isn’t thinking about staying with them too. cus I'm willing to sleep outside just to feel a little bit freer.
My life is fucked, but I still choice to stay. I just hope that I can do this longer. to make sure that I can become a scientist, and have a music career. I can be like the child of Billie Eilish and Melanie Martinez. have only depressed songs and mixes. this is the only things that are letting me be alive right now.
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