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I need someone to listen ...
8 months ago · · stress relief, · Explicit
Okay so; I’m living with my partner of 4 years. I love them so much, but I can tell they are distancing themselves from me emotionally .. and romantically. we have had many talks, none of them ever ending well, I think because every time I try to bring up the subject they don’t want to talk about it or tell me anything .. I know they have been going behind my back. I have been their first serious relationship.. and they have been my first serious long term relationship. They have told me before they never expected tbh hs to go this far . Anyways. I have caught them going behind my back talking to multiple people before. Sexually. I know it seems dumb for me to stay, but I grew up in a very abusive household. I don’t have family. I have lost most friends within the past few years. And now I feel like I am all at fault for them not loving me anymore. We finally had a talk the beginning of this week after having some pretty serious fights out of no where ... I know they aren’t out of no where though because I know they are probably struggling with that they aren’t telling me. That I love them so much and I will be a mess without them, and how that makes me feel dumb. For feeling so heartbroken over someone who I know truthfully wants me gone but can’t bare to say it. I know they are talking to someone else / other people / have secret accounts to talk to other people that I don’t know about. This has thrown me into a serious deep depression . Unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. To think I will now have to plan how to leave and abandon my home and my animals and everything I build and am so proud of all because I know they don’t want to be with me truly. I can’t stay in something where I know they are just waiting it out , for me to leave , so they can be happy. They don’t look at me the same way, or even touch me the same . I’m barely touched . They no longer console me when I cry. Because of the pain they know they have caused my heart. I feel so extremely suicidal. I have no family. No friends ... except for my best friend who is on the other side of the country. I don’t know how I will start all over like this, I don’t know if I can do it all alone. I have no where to go, not enough money to support myself alone in a big city like this. As a 21 year old on disability ( I’ve been recently diagnosed with ptsd and a few anxiet disorders but it’s not worth goi g into ) leaving me unable to work anymore. Which has also put a strain on my mental health feeling like I can’t do as much as I used to. But even while I was working coming home at 3 am , only to wake up at 11am and do it all over again the next day, overworking myself to a breakdown ( which is what caused me to stop working ) they were inviting people over to my home, to be with sexually. In my bed. The bed I bought for us. Along with everything else in that place I had built for us. I just don’t know how I can be so hurt bu someone so bad but also can’t stand the thought of being without them. They aren’t who they are supposed to be; they aren’t the same person. They’ve been keeping secrets from me and going behind my back for over a year now .. I don’t know what to think. Or how to even begin to accept this and start to move on with my life .:. I never want to go back to being homeless . Or in a shelter. I have never felt this miserable before in my life. I wish I at least had parents , or family to turn to or have someone to help me or comfort me through these hard times .... I feel so so heartbroken. There are so many things to say, I don’t even know if anyone will read this . I don’t know where to put this. I don’t understand how someone can just ... be not who they said they were the whole time , or jsut completely lose feelings for you. They don’t have to say it for me to know these things but when I say things like this they don’t disagree either : they just get quiet and things get awkward and there’s tension and I always end up apologizing. I feel like such a fucking burden. how do you even get through this ? My brain won’t stop with all the why’s or how’s .. I have so much lvoe for them and they are just gone ... I’m so scared and alone and afraid. I don’t even know what to do with myself and I have no one to even cry to , y’all to or ask for help. I have truly fucked myself over. I spend all my days cryjng ,,, I can’t function . I have so much anxiety , I have been throwing up all day, my body has been rejecting everything. I can’t stop having panic attacks either be realization of how much my life is going to have to change ,... or things will just stay the same forever. But I also don’t know if I can make it , or if I even want to.