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Okay so; I’m living with my partner of 4 years. I love them so much, but I can tell they are distancing themselves from me emotionally .. and romantically. we have had many talks, none of them ever ending well, I think because every time I try to bring up the subject they don’t want to talk about it or tell me anything .. I know they have been going behind my back. I have been their first serious relationship.. and they have been my first serious long term relationship. They have told me before they never expected tbh hs to go this far . Anyways. I have caught them going behind my back talking to multiple people before. Sexually. I know it seems dumb for me to stay, but I grew up in a very abusive household. I don’t have family. I have lost most friends within the past few years. And now I feel like I am all at fault for them not loving me anymore. We finally had a talk the beginning of this week after having some pretty serious fights out of no where ... I know they aren’t out of no where though because I know they are probably struggling with that they aren’t telling me. That I love them so much and I will be a mess without them, and how that makes me feel dumb. For feeling so heartbroken over someone who I know truthfully wants me gone but can’t bare to say it. I know they are talking to someone else / other people / have secret accounts to talk to other people that I don’t know about. This has thrown me into a serious deep depression . Unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. To think I will now have to plan how to leave and abandon my home and my animals and everything I build and am so proud of all because I know they don’t want to be with me truly. I can’t stay in something where I know they are just waiting it out , for me to leave , so they can be happy. They don’t look at me the same way, or even touch me the same . I’m barely touched . They no longer console me when I cry. Because of the pain they know they have caused my heart. I feel so extremely suicidal. I have no family. No friends ... except for my best friend who is on the other side of the country. I don’t know how I will start all over like this, I don’t know if I can do it all alone. I have no where to go, not enough money to support myself alone in a big city like this. As a 21 year old on disability ( I’ve been recently diagnosed with ptsd and a few anxiet disorders but it’s not worth goi g into ) leaving me unable to work anymore. Which has also put a strain on my mental health feeling like I can’t do as much as I used to. But even while I was working coming home at 3 am , only to wake up at 11am and do it all over again the next day, overworking myself to a breakdown ( which is what caused me to stop working ) they were inviting people over to my home, to be with sexually. In my bed. The bed I bought for us. Along with everything else in that place I had built for us. I just don’t know how I can be so hurt bu someone so bad but also can’t stand the thought of being without them. They aren’t who they are supposed to be; they aren’t the same person. They’ve been keeping secrets from me and going behind my back for over a year now .. I don’t know what to think. Or how to even begin to accept this and start to move on with my life .:. I never want to go back to being homeless . Or in a shelter. I have never felt this miserable before in my life. I wish I at least had parents , or family to turn to or have someone to help me or comfort me through these hard times .... I feel so so heartbroken. There are so many things to say, I don’t even know if anyone will read this . I don’t know where to put this. I don’t understand how someone can just ... be not who they said they were the whole time , or jsut completely lose feelings for you. They don’t have to say it for me to know these things but when I say things like this they don’t disagree either : they just get quiet and things get awkward and there’s tension and I always end up apologizing. I feel like such a fucking burden. how do you even get through this ? My brain won’t stop with all the why’s or how’s .. I have so much lvoe for them and they are just gone ... I’m so scared and alone and afraid. I don’t even know what to do with myself and I have no one to even cry to , y’all to or ask for help. I have truly fucked myself over. I spend all my days cryjng ,,, I can’t function . I have so much anxiety , I have been throwing up all day, my body has been rejecting everything. I can’t stop having panic attacks either be realization of how much my life is going to have to change ,... or things will just stay the same forever. But I also don’t know if I can make it , or if I even want to.
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Step by step. I have anxiety too and it really impacts life negatively but we have no choice. We have to keep pushing. Get a job and save money. Enough for five months worth of expenses including apartment rent and then move out. If you dont have transportation, you can always ride the bus and try to find more work around where you will live. You'll get through this just start taking action so you dont have to depend on him anymore. Change your life while you're still young.
ReplyMaybe you should talk to them abt it.
i mean, im no couples counselor, but they seem like an idiot.
ReplyThank you so much .. I have tried and do try. I always seem to end up being made out to feel like I’m pushing them to hard to talk about things they don’t want to , even though I feel we need to
ReplyTalking usually helps. Just keep that in mind and hope that they understand. Push through it, you can do it!
Reply