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I'd start this off with, I'm very young. I have a somewhat supportive family, besides the fact they make fun of my issues (depression, anxiety, etc). They always ask me why I am the way I am, why I don't laugh anymore, why I don't smile. I've done everything that everyone says, therapeutic help, exercise, distractions, and hobbies. It seems to dig me deeper because, after everything, the thoughts come back even stronger. I don't know what went wrong, I've always denied the fact that I'm depressed, and I never realized it started in 5th grade.
I cried every night, even thoughts of self-harm, even committed the most foolish act and spread a rumor about myself saying that I cut myself. I never did. I just wanted attention, I wanted somebody to know that I was thinking that. This got out of hand and the counselor found out, nothing else happened from there. I was forced to live in the shadows and I didn't want to ask for further help because I felt that no one understood. I got bullied in middle school, pushed, shoved, looks, and comments. When my self-esteem was deprecating in 5th grade, it was demolished in 6th grade. I moved to an even more toxic school, less physical although. Still called me names and received looks, but I met my friends who stuck with me all throughout the hell of a journey I had. In 8th grade, it was getting worse. I couldn't deal with everything. That's when I got online schooled after constant begging with my parents.
They are supportive when it comes to transferring, but my mental issues, I'd say they're confused. They often say things that really hurt me. My mom jokes about my feeling of taking my life. I resorted to alcohol and smoking cause nothing really helps. I just want to get antidepressants and medication from some sort of psychiatrist, I don't know. I want something that's been proven to help. I'm scared to be given them though because I've had multiple thoughts of overdosing, and who knows what I'd do with those in my hands. Anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk, I honestly don't know how all of that came out. But I'm not scared of death, but I'm not assuring that I will commit either. We'll see.
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Please don't commit to death. I know what it's like to see, fail, and see the god awful looks of shame peering above you. Someone cares. I care.
Praying <3
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