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Sometimes I catch my self overthinking about things. This time it was about my big change.
I moved from Brazil to New York City 8 months ago, and the funny thing is that I have only had 1 melt down before this one. My other one I didn’t even understand what was happening, I just became sad, very sad, sadder than I have ever gotten, and I cried for hours with my husband hugging me, not understanding what was going on.
This time I just can’t sleep.
Never in my life I ever thought that I would change my mind about moving here. I always knew, my place to be is NYC, thats where I am going to work, have a career, become rich, have great friends, a family, this is it. Until today. The day of my mother’s 53 birthday. My mom and I have always been very close, she always liked the things I liked, we always kept each others company. And it’s her birthday today, and I am not there. Just like all of the other important- but not important enough for a 9 hour/$2000 plane ride- dates. It’s tough. I have always been very close to my family. And now I am very far from them and it feels terrible. I miss them a lot.
I am trying to remember about how I wasn’t happy when I lived in Brazil, but right now it all seems like being here without them is worse.
I have waited so long for this, and here I am, looking for tickets to go back there. And the worst part is that, the reason why I am so scared of going there to visit is that, if I go, I won’t be able to get back on the plane back to NY.
I didn’t realize how much different it would be to be here. How the people are so different. How much I miss the Brazilian people, my friends, my family. I hadn’t realized how hard it would be. And I am scared. I am scared of the future. I am scared that I won’t ever be able to be happy. That I will miss on so many things, that I will regret this. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I could have someone tell me that everything will be ok, that I am in the right place. That I will find myself soon.
I had been so happy before tonight.
I don’t understand why this is happening.
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