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I dont even know what I'm doing. I'm just so done with life. Not that I could actually kill myself. I recognise that it would hurt people. Ut not because they actually care enough to be in my life anyway. Maybe it's me that foesnt care. I constantly ruin things for myself. I fuck up and make people hurt and i dont want to do that. I'll feel guilty for years for the littlest things. Like do people not get that you dont have to make me feel guilty. I already do. I'm a fucking terrible person. I could hurt myself. Ja.. he would be heart broken. I know he loves me I'm just so angry at him and i need to learn to forgive him. I trust him sure but i dont think I've forgiven him and... j hes lost enough. Definitely. Too many people have died in his life for me to add another to the list. I do not want to make his mental health worse. He means a lot. They both do and it would fuck them up a lot if they had dead me to deal with. Even if I'm not worthy of that. Even if I dont think they really care. Even if I dont think they should really care... and my mother her too. Shes lost too much. Everyone around me has lost too much for me to add me to the mix. It wouldnt be fair to them. And I get that. That and the fact that I'm a ducking coward is the only thing stopping me. I think about suicide alot but I dont think I would actually do it. It wouldnt be fair. I just want to disappear and stop existing but it would hurt people but I'm hurting too and it's not like anyone cares about that. Not that I've told anyone. But I cant tell anyone aren't they already dealing with enough why do I always feel the need to put other people before myself. It fucking hurts. I cant bare it but I also cant bare seeing other people in pain. I can distract myself from my own pain. I can deal with it. But other peoples pain is constantly on me. I hate it. I just want to stop feeling. Stop nreating. Just sleep forever mu dreams are way better than reality to be fair. Eh idk. I dont know anything anymore. I'm probably just being f selfish as usual and not realisi g that other people have shit to deal with too. I tgubk to much. I wish I could stop the overthinking. Its fuvking vo sta t and driving me insane. Kill me
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Hey, I’ve felt very similarly to you. All I can say is that I empathize and that life is really hard. It makes it harder to see that some people have it seemingly easy. The things that I’ve found to help, not sure if they would help you, are: finding a purpose of some sort (even if it’s as simple as helping one person every day) and havin some sort of connection with others (even if it’s online and anonymous). I hope things get better for you❤️
ReplyOMG!!! U made me cry. I don't even know you but all I know is I have had the same thoughts in my head and all I can say is that everyone has a place in this world and the people that love you would miss you so much. Please. Don't think like that.❤
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