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Can married people have friends from the opposite sex?
4 years ago · 14 · Relationships, +3 · Explicit
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So I want to know what is the public’s idea on this topic.
Can a married person have friends of the opposite sex?
Even if the other person has a connection with them?
Even if the friend is single and has intentions towards the married individual?
You see, “I” think it is unhealthy for a marriage. But, I do not want to speak from a perspective of self-centeredess. I don’t bring these kind of friends into my life be a I respect my partners feelings. I believe it to be part of being in a committed relationship.
I am a true believer that those who seek, find. The same way, if you go around making friends and these have different intentions, why would you bring such “friends” into your life?
Am I delusional on this topic, maybe too naive?
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Absolutely a married person can have friends of the opposite sex. Even friends where there is some degree of attraction in one or both directions. But if either person has intentions to disrespect or undermine the marriage, that's a problem.
ReplyAnd how do you handle when your partner decides without you that there is communication that you "don't need to know". These are supposed to be normal occurrences? I want to understand better how it is fine when the single person has an attraction? Isn't that calling for trouble? That's like saying I don't want to commit a crime but like to hang out with the drug dealer... I mean, I don't smuggle drugs, and I don't consume, but I like hanging out with them. You get my point? To me, it is like looking for trouble and playing it like you are not. Correct me if I am wrong.
My logic tells me, if a lady wants to fuck me, and they have express that intention, I don't want them around. Doing so, to my understanding would be a straight disrespect to my commitment with my SO.
I am here seeking clarity, not attacking those that like to have affairs. I am just not a supporter of the whole adultery thing. I am a true believer if you want to have an open relationship, good for you.
ReplyAre you talking about a specific situation you are in the middle of right now with your partner (or experienced in the past), or just wondering about the topic in general?
What you're describing right now sounds like there are issues with the marriage/partnership. In the area of trust/jealousy/power. But not enough info to know the root. Saying that there is communication that "you don't need to know" is about power and boundaries -- but is it a defensive/protective response to a partner not respecting healthy boundaries in the first place? is it a way to establish a necessary boundary by someone who is still learning how to have a healthy conversation about boundaries? or is it an aggressive move by someone who is doing something uncool and doesn't want to get caught?
In any of these cases, the friend is not the issue.
More in a sec...
ReplyWell, first of, thank you for your comment and interest on my question.
The information happened to get to me without seeking. My partner and I do not hide anything from one another. We believe (or at least I used to think) that there is no need to hide anything between us, the ultimate frontier of our trust, no secrets. My partner has snoop on my devices in the past, searched through my text conversations, shared concerns on relationships that they did not like (for reasons that don’t really altercate my marriage: group of friends sending each other naked people pics, etc, you get the idea). I have always been upfront and openly honest, I have no intentions to hide anything. You see, I think that if I had to hide something from my SO, does not seem as a healthy committed partner behavior (please correct me if I have this idea wrong). What spiked up the jealousy on my part was not really the “friend” but the course of action my SO took. By now, years together I believed these were the boundaries set between us. At least, I was subjected to this in the past and had not trouble with it. So yes, I am well aware the friend is not the issue here.
When my partner and I discussed the issue, they got defensive right away. You see, in the past, when my SO was in the receiving end, I did not get even offended by the fact I was being doubted. All the contrary, I responded to their concerns, and showed with no hesitation there is nothing to worry about. Isn’t that the proper thing to do? Or am I just to dumb and innocent to have approached the situation this way?
The “friend” (lets call it that), made very clear they had a sexual attraction for my SO. That they would respect the marriage but did not want to miss the opportunity to express this. This did not come as even a yellow flag to them. Further more, instead of being watchful from this person, my SO has such a great connection with that person, they are practically best friends at work (I mean, the two individuals that get along the best, are them two). My SO is under the believe that this person can be their friend and that should not be an issue in our relationship. However, when I had friends of the opposite sex and they were feeling insecure, it didn’t even bother me to cut those people off. I saw this as a necessary thing for the preservation of my marriage, and what really matters to me, my family.
So, what do you mean by healthy boundaries? Is it wrong for a partner to feel insecure and find reassurance on their SO? Does trusting means no looking the other way and hope for the best? Regardless of what is actually happening?
You see, I think that this behavior speaks a lot for what is going on. Even if there isn’t anything happening between them two. Isn’t obvious that staying friends with someone that you feel a connection with under these circumstances is doomed to go wrong? Or am I just speaking from the voice of an insecure person.
Again, thank you for commenting my question. Any clarity I can get from someone else’s perspective is highly appreciated. I am just a very confused individual.
- Nobody
ReplyThanks for sharing this. From what you say here, it sounds like 1. your partner is insecure and 2. you have different perspectives on what is and isn't okay in your/any relationship. Neither of these things are bad, per se, just challenging. Being insecure isn't good or bad, it just is, and wanting reassurance from a partner occasionally is reasonable. But over time in a healthy relationship, there is work being done on both sides to build trust and a more secure connection. And part of that is addressing where you have different perspectives....
For instance, you mention "group of friends sending each other naked people pics" and if I am understanding correctly, you think that's fine in a marriage and your partner doesn't. There's not an objective right or wrong about whether that's okay in a marriage, but what matters is what you and your partner agree is okay in -your- marriage. Have you had a conversation directly about why she's uncomfortable with it and why you think it's okay? Did you come to an agreement that works for both of you? Or did one of you just get shut down or give in?
You say that "when I had friends of the opposite sex and they were feeling insecure, it didn’t even bother me to cut those people off" -- did your partner ASK you to cut them off? (In which case you'd have standing to ask the same in this case if you're feeling insecure, and if they didn't follow through it would be a double-standard.) Or did YOU make the choice? (In which case, it's not reasonable to automatically expect your partner to do the same.) But in either case, there's an underlying conversation to have... what is and isn't okay for BOTH of you in your marriage, and how do you together want to handle issues of trust and insecurity as they arise. If you can handle having these conversations just the two of you, great! If you're struggling, that's one of the things that couples counseling can help with. And if your partner won't engage, sometimes individual counseling can help you tease out what you are contributing to the dynamic.
Hope this helps!
ReplyYou see now she has friends that send inappropriate pics of naked people and that’s fine because now she understands that you can’t control what a group chat of people will bring. But it was wrong when I was in the driver seat.
Yes, they knew I cut off the relationship and had no problems with it nor did I, it was just very clear to me what needed to be done and I did it. Although I made the choice in my own. You see, I think that all BS aside, there are some things that are expected from a partner being in a committed relationship.
My partner does not responds very responsible when it comes to these things. I’m the worst case, they are sure to voice they are doing it for me, not because they understand. Sometimes I’m given understanding and in the mist of an argument down the road, comes up as “I did it for you” meaning it’s not like they really agree (as they said in the past).
Yes, I am well aware that I am being subjected to a double standard and I made sure to voice that. It’s not a partnership if there is more effort in one side of the balance.
I’ve brought counseling as a very valid option but my partner detours from that as much as possible. It almost feels as if they know they won’t hear what they want so better save the trouble.
I think that the bottom line is and this goes in general: if you are married and committed, you don’t go making friends with people that have sexual intentions to you. If you do, that’s when feelings unexpectedly start to grow, and people start to get confused, and before you know it you are in love with two people. But really, it’s not like you meet someone and puff, you are in love. There is time invested into the relationship and every conversation, every little thing you confide on each other, is a building block for the foundation of an affair. If this sounds over dramatic, read it again and tell me if I am crazy or not.
Because the truth is, I’ve been overthinking this over, and over, and over and it just doesn’t jive in my head.
ReplyIt sounds like you are pretty clear about what you want/need in the relationship, and what a relationship should look like, and that you and your partner are on different pages. That sucks. How it unfolds from here depends on both of you. Wishing you well.
ReplyTo continue, I agree that if you are in a partnership and someone else expresses an intention to have sex with you, then that's not a friendship. That's a saboteur. And you either draw a clear boundary with that person and be up front with your partner about what happened, or you become an accomplice in the sabotage.
ReplyAlso, as to this: "I want to understand better how it is fine when the single person has an attraction? Isn't that calling for trouble?"
Humans have attractions. It's normal, even when you're married and honoring that commitment. Trying to deny them can cause trouble, trying to encourage and feed them can also cause trouble. But to be aware of an attraction is different than wanting or choosing to act on it. And -sometimes- naming it is actually a helpful way to diffuse it, if done responsibly. I think a lot depends on how mature and self-aware the people are.
Replythank you for your comments, you have no idea how much I appreciate it..
Replyyou're welcome.
ReplyFriendships of the opposite sex is perfectly fine amongst couples in commited relationships, as long there's boundaries which are respected by those who aren't in committed relationships and friends of each couple. Whether they both have the same set of friends or separate different friendships.
I believe that if a friend has intentions of wanting something more than a friendship, with the person who's in a committed relationship, that's not a real and healthy friendship. It's more of an unrecipocated romantic interest that has been friendzoned and stuck around, with an expectation and hopes of getting with their friend who's already in a serious committed relationship.
It would be considered encouraging these's intentions, when either commited partner is fully aware of their single friend having a romantic interest towards them and not addressing it appropriately.
This is can be a problem. It could trigger unwanted, damaging and hurtful situation amongst everyone involved.
An open relationship is entirely different. This is when both committed partners agree on seeing other people and letting other people into their relationship.
Which they BOTH are FULLY AWARE OF and 100% AGREED to amongst themselves.
_-
ReplyI wish I could put the THANK YOU meme from the office as a response.....
ReplyAs a married woman, I respect that my husband does not want me to have male friends and honestly, I would not feel comfortable having male friends either. So to answer your first question, I believe it depends on your SO. If your SO does not feel comfortable with you having opposite-sex friendships, it should be respected and vice-versa.
The answer for your next two questions should be clear (at least to me).
It is NOT okay for your SO to have a friendship of the opposite-sex and have a connection.. especially if the friend is single AND has intentions towards your SO.
I agree that it is very unhealthy for the marriage AND if your SO cannot see that, maybe you need marriage counseling... or she needs to read a book about how to be a better SO.
You are NOT being naive.
Reply