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first love?
have i truly felt what first love is?
what did he make me feel in the span of 2 months that was so different?
was it really love? or was i just attached to the idea of being in love?
i loved love. it consumed my day.
it still consumes my day.
he consumed my day.
he still consumes my day.
why is that?
it’s not like i really know him. it’s not like he really knows me.
we held hands. we cuddled. we snuck in a few kisses here and there.
i was part of his life. he was part of mine.
but that was gone. disappeared. just like that. done.
and it’s not like we saw each other everyday after.
we have never seen each other for almost a year.
we don’t contact each other. we don’t try to.
so why does it feel like he’s what i want? what i need?
i’m probably crazy. i’m probably insane. i’m always overthinking.
i’m scared. i’m so scared it’ll never stop. i’m scared that i’ll never stop thinking about him.
i’m scared that this torture of constant overthinking will never end.
he shouldn’t matter. he should’ve never have mattered.
so why can’t i get this through my head?
maybe it’s not him that i want, but it’s the want that i felt from him.
maybe for the first time in my life, i felt wanted because of him.
because of the way he made me feel. because he made me so happy.
so good.
i want that want. i want that want back so bad.
is that what first love is? wanting?
if it is, i never want to feel that way again.
i never want to be so consumed by someone that made me believe that this want is the only thing that will make me happy.
i never want to meet anyone who will not catch me if i fall.
because i fell. i was falling so hard.
he did not catch me.
he never planned on catching me.
and it hurts. it hurts so much.
so many unanswered questions.. so many i wish were answered before he left.
ghosted.
no longer part of my life. no longer part of his.
i never want to feel this way again.
i never want someone to enter my life just to leave me wondering what could’ve been, what would’ve been.
it makes me go crazy, it’s making me go insane.
it makes me start to wonder: was it me? what did i do wrong?
if then, that wasn’t love, i never want to feel love at all.
i never want to feel such a love so powerful, so bold, so consuming, so true.
i never want to feel such a force that slams into you with such power.
a love so controlling, so good, so happy.
because if that wasn’t love that i felt with him, how am i to control myself,
to manage, when i can’t even do that now?
i’m a mess with him, about him.
how am i to deal with an all consuming love when it does hit me?
i can’t. i won’t.
i never want to feel that way again.
because if what i truly felt was love, i’m scared that i will lose myself to another person.
i will lose myself when i never even got the chance to truly love myself first.
i trusted. i fell. i crashed.
now i’m hurting.
i’m learning to cope.
but i’m not fixing.
that’s what hurts the most.
the inability to fix myself when i know i should and i could, but i can’t.
the want stays.
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Damn
So there used to be this person who I thought would be my later significant other, especially considering how excited we both got every time we saw each other....
A similar thing happened to me 2 years ago with a girl. In the
short tkme i knew her i really liked her alot. One day she was different. Got mad at me for stupid reasons. Broke up with me over text. We haven't spoke since. Everyday i think to myself what was really wrong? Did i do something wrong? What if i would've said more? The problem with what ifs, is that you can never answer them accurately. Ive wasted so much valuable time thinking about the past. Ive missed out on relationships i could have formed now. Its a downward spiral tbat never stops. My advice is to just move on. You tortured yourself enough for a person that obviously didnt care as much as you did. We all deserve to find someone who won't just ghost us. We deserve someone who cares for us just as much as we care for them.
ReplySame here.
The pain eats you.
It’s been one and a half year.
Now it feels like there’s nothing to talk to. But we still claim that we love each other to each other. A secret we are.
Reply