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Deadly hopeful life and love
To start, I will explain the current state of mind moving gradually, back and forth between the present and the past.
It started 29 years ago, I moved between different layers of highs and lows with no fear or reluctance, until I finally hit the lowest bottom, a bottom in where everything is dark and all hope is lost...
This should briefly give a slight comprehension of how having hope could possibly and actually lead into darkness, how life goes on, how life goes on regardless, how love exists in all that mess and how everything and everyone matters and all are connected; strongly yet vaguely.
Recognition of self inflected errors and mistake, misleading thoughts for the character about itself, a mislead that is highly influenced by a clear disorder in the psychology.
I have always set very high ambitions for myself, and acquiring such a mentality has always been a great motivation that pushed me to reach July of 2019 still strong and Happy, regardless of what was going.
But the trauma happened anyway; having such a mentality for 29 years is very dangerous, because as in my case I have been trying and trying, always happy, motivated, strong, reliable, balanced, and beloved... Or at least I believed so.
Being like that for so long has a very strong affect, but I guess the affect applies in the form of very different and very opposed directions, the first direction when things go well in the end and it lifts you up and the other direction is what happened with me; when nothing is achieved after that long time.
After 29 years I started to question everything, it feels so hard to go on with the same strength having not felt like really accomplishing anything at all! non of the life goals and non of the small goals... The feeling of being completely worthless and like an utter failure... no past, no future, no more happiness, no more anything! how did I fail sooo bad without reaching anywhere in life!
It is very unusual, a person would think that a strong mentality will always keep him strong and happy, such a mentality will keep it going and it will get you what you want in the end; that is a lovely idea.
Now I feel that the way I have been acting for the past 29 years is a clear straight path into suicide!
Evidently the amount of dissatisfaction that I have reached is very high, it hurts very bad, tearing me and my heart from the inside out, the idea of killing myself crosses my mind so often that it feels so real and dangerously healing, I see it as the only exit and solution, I would love to end my life and stop this severe pain, I've never felt this pain before, but recently I started feeling it, and I really feel that pain! And that it has become hard to breathe or sleep or eat, I don't even laugh like I always did, I didn't think there was such a non physical pain before, until I felt it and it made me want to give up my life so I wouldn't feel it anymore!
how did I have such a dramatic turn of mentality in my life!!!!
Going through long period of lack of luck, bad financial situation, not being able to really help anyone - which is something I really love doing - and most importantly for me recently is that I want to be in a relationship, I've never been in one!
The thing about relationships for me is that I always felt like I lacked being good looking, I'm just a very average man, and I am not attractive at all, and the worst thing is that I always feel that I don't have any charisma at all! I don't believe that anyone can ever love me!
I see how women gets attracted to men and I have never had that before, not even once! I've never been called handsome or attractive by any woman in my life, like ever! No women have ever shown any signs of attraction towards me! No woman have ever tried to get close to me! I just lack any good qualities required for any relationship!
All these observation or maybe symptoms are a very strong indication that the idea I have formed in my head about myself is true at least to a certain context, and my potentials regarding relationships is actually true, but to be perfectly honest I also think that it is also really connected to me being mentally ill, I don't think seeing myself like that is something done by someone sane and with a healthy mindset, so the conclusion for me is that I have a very empty space in my emotions which makes me completely sentimental and un rational regarding the judgement I have on myself, is it me whom I am talking about!? I don't think that I am healthy psychological wise, I am definitely sick, and that is reflecting on how I see myself and initiated by how weak I really am!
When I look at it subjectively I don't really think that I need a relationship now, I just want it in my life because I failed in everything else and it is something that I would like to try, maybe I will not fail in it like everything else and it would then give me some satisfaction.
Frankly speaking, I know there are a lot more people who goes through much harder conditions than the ones I have, yet non of them committed suicide and maybe non of them thinks about it.
I know it is just depressed talk and I'll probably never commit suicide, or at least I hope that I don't reach that far, I would say that I hope I don't do it because there's not a day that passes during which I don't feel down even for little while and when it happens, suicide always goes through my mind as the exit from this misery that I feel.
On the other hand, I believe in Allah and that is what keeps me going for now,,, and because of that belief I know for sure that I will get somewhere but I have to have patience.
I guess it only makes sense that this is the purpose of having a religion and beliefs and that is why God with all his wisdom has put this system for us, just to keep humanity going when it feels so dark.
Now in life, and during all that misery and discontent feeling and the painful heart aches, enters the savior; human contact, one of the blessings that we really underestimate untill we look at it subjectively and put it under the microscope, it is something wonderful and really shouldn't be undervalued.
For me it came in the form of friends and family, and having a lot of best friends.
With all these friends there comes the shock and complete surprise of that person who comes into your life when you are at your lowest point in life, for me it was a buddy, a person whom I always longed for and needed without even realizing it, having that person at that particular moment of life can be the best sign of hope that I have had or will ever have, or at least that is how I see it so far.
Now there is the question of why did I say "so far" and not indefinitely!? Well simply because sometimes I have some suspicions about who that person really is and what that person really sees me like and what he thinks of me!?
Regardless of my suspicions about that person; such a lifting person completely out of the ordinary that the chances of meeting was merely zero! So no other explanation than fait can fit as a description of how we met and how that person became my buddy, and the dearest person to my heart ever!
It's because she's a woman; and what a woman. I'm not good dealing with women and never had any female real friends before, but because she is a woman it makes hard to explain or show her what I really feel and how much she means to me as a friend and as a person too.
she is in a relationship right now, so I'm always afraid that trying hard to show her how much she means to me will scare her away, which is becoming my great fear.
Sometimes I would love to hug her so hard, but I know that she doesn't like physical contact with me for a some reason, sometimes I want to just get close to her or sit besides her or try and make her feel comfortable around me but I always fear it will annoy her instead.
I had a rule of make minimum physical contact with women, and she knows that, so showing her that this doesn't apply to her and I don't mind, infact I love it! because it makes me feel closer to her...
A fact; I know very well that she is beautiful, smart, intelligent, cute and have huge amounts of charisma that makes her waaay out of my league, even though I love her so much but I didn't and won't try to go into a relationship with her because it will destroy our relationship, and I also see how it's impossible for such a woman to like me.
Again that is also a sign of the mental illness that I think I have that makes it seem so impossible for me to even think that anyone would like me, I think that she sees me not important to her at all and just an ordinary person that is easily replaceable.
Now that person have become my beacon of light, hope and happiness, and she is one more reason to believe that God really wants you to hang on and have patience having sent you such a precious gift, one that you have never expected and never would've got, not even with years of planning.
I think this is worth writing, I don't think there'll be any significant meaning behind it, but it's a feeling I've never felt before, I'm floating in a see of wonder, we talk in night and I wake up like a non ending energy source the next morning, I spend hours and hours with her not having even a little glimpse of being tired or feeling bored, even if we don't say anything, I'm sharing moments that I never want to see end, it's like I can never have enough of her, and the affect on me is like nothing else, I'm feeling high, proud and extreme happiness and content.
What makes her special from any other friend!? To explain I can simply say that I have too many best friends; all are male, I always felt so close to them, we were like one - that is the best way to describe my relation with each one of these friends- but I being someone who gets grossed out so easily, I never shared a cup, I never used the same spoon or fork with anyone, in fact I hated it when I saw people do that even if it wasn't with me, and never understood what does doing something so unhygienic means; so that a lot of people would do it. Now since she came into my life, and for the first time ever I am drinking from the same cup she drinks from, I would use the same spoon she used without feeling annoyed about it, and I even hanged out with her when she was sick with no fear of catching the sickness from her, now I see it more clearly that nothing in that person actually annoys me, and I also believe that this is pure love, not like the one you share with your girlfriend but it is also not like the love you share with any of your friends, it is something very special that I think happens once in a lifetime, but the one that I proudly have with a friend, how weird is that person! and how much I respect the relationship that we share. And what a bless in the right time it has become!
She puts up with my weirdness towards her, she puts up with me being too emotional or sentimental with her even though it annoys her, she puts up with the emptiness of emotions that makes me want to stay with her all day and night long.
at the same time she puts some borders between us to make me feel my limits and not go any further, although she knows that I would never dare to go any further with her, which is something I explained to her before, so it is a bit weird why she does that to me, while she knows that I know she is out of my reach for a relationship.
That's the beginning and the end of my story, a story of which the plot has happened and still yet to come, a story of psychological instability, a story of emotional emptiness and self-flagellation, a story of who I am or I think I am and who I have been or I think I have been, a story of despair, hope, love - if there is such a thing -, a story of strength mixed with weakness and vulnerability, a story of life & God and many more to come...
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