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Sick of me
4 years ago · 0 · Explicit
92
Where do I even begin? My life has been a repeat episode of black Friday. You have no actual inclination as to why you’re here, people are shoving you around, there’s lots of yelling, and noise of a crying baby but you can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from. Now have I ever actually been to black Friday? No, I just imagined that’s what it’s like. I’m sure everyone just does it online. The thing is, as I was sitting in the deli this morning after missing working because I overslept BECAUSE I got drunk because I have zero self-control and couldn’t just have one stinking beer. Jeez that was a handful. Anyways, as I was sitting in the deli this morning I was having a conversation with this really nice guy that has been consistent about sending me snaps off my story and telling me how pretty I am. Nice? Eh a little creepy but that’s besides the point. So we’re going back and forth because he’s telling me he’ll wait for me until I’m ready all the while I am telling him that I am not good for him. I have suffered a great deal of emotional damage, I struggle with controlling my emotions, I have no stability in my life, and I absolutely do not have any inkling as to what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life. In Layman’s Terms, I am a complete mess. Personally, I would like to push off my problems on the fact that I had an awful childhood. I can aaaaaand I can’t. At one point I have to accept the fact that I was and am my own undoing. Today was that point, because I am sitting there realizing that I don’t have anything to show for because of the things I’ve chose to do. I didn’t graduate high school because I thought I had it all figured out. I tried to go back recently and did really well at first and then the next lesson came and I totally bailed on it because I have no motivation for it or any interest in the Ming fucking Dynasty. I spent the last 2 years of my life in an extremely toxic relationship and just recently (The morning after Halloween to be exact) we argued about last night because I got drunk and hit him and told him I didn’t like him after previously that evening I had sat there while he begged and cried for me to take him back. I did and he ended up spitting in my face. Did I leave him alone? Of course not, we’re still friends on Facebook. The pathetic part about it, yes laugh, because I bet you thought what I just said was pathetic. It all is. Even after he spit in my face I let him Lyft me to the airport where we just argued some more I cried and he sent me home where I then cried some more AND still talked to him. We’re “officially” broken up now and I been doing my own thing. In other words, I am being a hoe. See what I mean? My choices are awful. I am not okay with being alone. I feel like I’ll never get my act right and I am SO scared you guys. I have been through the ringer, yet I have never been this terrified before. I am so sick of my own actions. Deep down and I mean really really deep, I know I am not a truly awful person. I am selfish, obsessive, dishonest, abusive mentally and physically, an alcoholic, and a extremely sad person. I mean, after reading all this I actually am pretty awful. On the slightly not so dark side I deleted the most recent guys I was talking to on Snapchat to save them from me. Came back to the house I have been residing in to write this because I can’t do this anymore. I felt like this was a good place to begin, probably full of grammatical errors, improper punctuation, and all over the place; it’s me.
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