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So I have depression
I know this. There are days where I don’t want to do anything, and want to sleep all day. There are days when I’d rather not be around. There are days when I have to do things, even if I can’t. Some days people notice. Most days people don’t.
But I know I’m not the only one
I watched my mama get her days.
I could hear her scream and cry to my dad
Saying that days she wished she could drive off a bridge
That she could go and disappear
When I was 12 my mama went into therapy. They told her it’ll get bad when the sun goes away.
And it did. But my mama didn’t want pills
Because when I was just a baby, she swore she wouldn’t take medicine that could hurt her abilities to be a parent
My mama wasn’t the best at everything
But she played both roles for most my childhood
My mama had a temper, and I think it went with the sadness. Sometimes her temper got the better of her and it turned to physical anger
She still apologizes
Around the same time, my parents realized they no longer loved each other the way they did. My dad wanted to fix it. My mama didn’t.
At 14 I had three siblings, school and a job
It was tough.
I was a mama at 14 to three kids.
At 14 I couldn’t handle the anger and sadness from mama. I couldn’t handle the angry words from my brother. It was hard with my dad gone.
At 14 I drug a dull scissor blade across my arm. It didn’t really hurt. It didn’t bleed.
So I used a pencil sharpener.
And then I didn’t stop.
At the age of 15 my parents found my online friends, and they were not happy.
At 15 I’d ride to the pier and cry out to God
Praying that maybe he’d fix things
At 16 I contemplated ending things
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for everyone
Maybe it could fix it all
But I didn’t want the kids to see
At 17 my mama hit me for the last time
At 18 I left
At 19 I cut my arms once more.
The end to the 5 year cycle
The end to the scars
Tattoos slowly cover my scars.
I can’t make more
Sometimes I want to
But I don’t.
Depression runs in the family
Suicide runs in the family
Addiction runs in the family
Loneliness runs in the family..
Ruin..runs In the family.
Every day I go to sleep
Thinking the next will be better
And on the nights
When it’s too much
I put away the sharp things
And I go to bed.
Praying the same prayer
One more time
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