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I'm ugly. I'm too thin. I'm awkward. I'm quiet. I'm gross. I'm a horrible friend. I'm a toxic person. I'm always negative. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm unable to focus. I'm scared of people. I'm a faggot. A whore. An ugly slut. A hypocrite. But worst of all, nobody else sees that. It's all in my head. All this hate is internalized and bottled up and hidden when I'm around people. I encourage my friends and others around me to get help so they see themselves as the amazing and great people they are, yet here I am feeling the same way and just internalizing and hiding it. I hate myself so much. I do.
I have body dysmorphic disorder, which caused me to have anorexia at a young age even though I already had a naturally high metabolism that made me naturally thin. I have social anxiety depressive disorder which is what causes these hateful thoughts and my fear of people and standing up for myself or even being the center of attention. I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, so I struggle to sit still and focus.
All this bullshit has poisoned my brain and now all I see is what I think is wrong with me, true or not. I need help. Somebody help me. Talk to me. Tell me my thoughts are wrong. Somebody. Please. I'm drowning. Help...
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I have no idea what your going through and can only imagine how hard it is. It awyas good to talk about and try your best to have some hope that everything will be okay some day. It might not be ok today or tomorrow and you feel like this. But from experience, theres always a chance for things to change
ReplyI am going through the same things bar the anorexia
Hopefully there's a way out of this
ReplyI know how you feel, in my own way I do. Having to put on a mask by day, seeing the good in people, try to help them just for latter that day to cry at night and let myself go wild in this world we all have in our minds; but hide from everyone, even ourselves.
This world full of dark thoughts, of accumulation, of the worst things life has to offer... Then I cry some more, put on my sad playlist and I create a new world, but this time where I am my only ruler. A world where I would be free to be myself and not what others want me to be, where I feel the cold and salty breeze of the ocean and hear the storm come to wash away my problems. And then I write, I become this nocturnal writer, and I put all my energy on writing like a healing solution for the wounds that were forced on me by day. And most importantly I keep positive because the world is much more than this society who constantly tells us how we should look and feel and be, because the world is what humans didn't create what was here years before our arrival, so I open my window and look at the sky, I look at the stars, I feel the air on my face and I realize I am lucky and that everything will be okay, that I just need to be strong for one day more, and another and one another till the day I find the place I had created on my mind on reality, the day where I will let go of my fear. Because that's what is stopping us, fear.
You're not alone, your life matters, please find your little own world.
Replyyeah.. your fucking wrong.. that slut, whore, bitch, your talking .. is just the same girl who is simple, kind, unselfish, giver, and beautiful person a guy would ever want to live with... ;) hey, stop thinking too much... go out take a hike.. take a walk.. or drive.. listen to music... observe the outside world.. look at those people around you.. stop starin at specific person.. widen up your view.. its nature..
ReplyI don't necessarily care what guy wants to live with me, I'm a lesbian and I hate myself for it. Nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but my parents had this whole vision of how I was going to grow up and marry some boy and have kids but I don't even like guys....
Replywoah... really..?? well, so am i... never been a straight girl since I was born I guess.. my father even laughed at me every time he tells the story about me started becoming a guy-kid, not a "girl-kid", when I was only 2 years old.. now Im 30 and their waiting for me to have a new girlfriend! geezz.. since the last one, broke up with me 6 years ago..
Replyits nice finding other LGBT people on here, especially people in like their mid twenties and up since they had such a different experience with being LGBT than people like myself (I'm 17) apparently I was a "tomboy" as a kid, although I didn't know that literally just being a kid and climbing trees and scraping your knee makes a girl a tomboy XD anyways my dad and stepmom are homophobic while my mom and stepdad aren't but being a lesbian while your dad keeps forcing you to "just ignore it and date a boy like a normal girl" isn't the easiest
Replywell at that age here in our country parents don't usually advice their kids to go on a date.. hehe... when I was a kid.. since the very first time i had understand my thoughts.. i already know what I am and what I want.. i never saw myself as a girl.. my father even saw that when I was 2 years old... even my aunt told me the same thing.. I dont even remember what I was like when I was 2..
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