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Dear Step-Dad,
I have always admired you ever since you came into my life. I was only 3 then. Yet, you have managed to impact my life in every way. As a kid, I had felt a true father-daughter connection despite not being your real daughter. It shattered my heart when Mom and you got divorced. I was 8 years old and didn't understand anything at the time. I just hoped I'd still keep that connection with you. I didn't. You spent more time with my little sister otherwise known as your real daughter. You spent weekends with her because you had joint custody with my Mom. How was I going to know that at 8 years old anyway? I just felt jealous. I begged Mom to take me with you. She never let me. I quickly learned to hold a grudge against you. I noticed how differently you treated me.
Flash forward to when I was 10 years old. 5th grade. You hadn't been around as much and acted like you were. I was getting a little on the heavier side compared to my classmates. It might have been a growth spurt, eating frequently, or stress. At the beginning of the year, I was confident, happy, and beautiful. By the end, I was desperate, mentally unstable, and ugly. During this time my grandma from my Step-Dad's side was living with my uncle. I spent most summers with her. Starting from that summer I was told directly from her things like: "No guy's ever going to love you like that." "You need to stop eating so much." "You need to start losing weight."
While I should have just let go I couldn't. The constant body shaming, disaproval, and disapointment was too much for be to bear. I soon felt the social pressure to change myself for your side of the family. I starved for a summer to please you. To feel loved and accepted. I feel like I still don't have that.
Years went by when the emotions piled up. Being told to hide my feelings now affected me. I started hearing voices to kill myself and seeing a figure who would tell me to go to his 'kingdom'. At this time I stopped believing in God. I thought if God cared so much then he would have saved me. I realize now He was trying to help me.
Although I can't be for sure I believe I did have a religious experience. I believe that figure is of an evil power. I believe that during that time I was vulnerable that figure tried to take me to his 'kingdom'.
This happened until I went to a mental hospital. I was there for a week and nothing helped. I was just expected to get better. I knew that my desperate mother wanted to do anything to make sure I got better. I knew she believed the doctors more than me. During that stay when I felt as if my last days were near I felt a gut feeling to get out of there. I usually ignored my gut feeling because I would get in trouble for doing the right thing. That time I listened.
I acted my way out of that hospital. How did I do that? I used the skills I learned from you. I lied my way out of that hell. I knew I was going to stay in there forever I didn't do something. I lied to you when I said I liked tutus and bright colors. I lied to the doctors when I said I had never felt better. It took every bit of energy to get out of there. I didn't do it for you, my mother, the family, or my friends. I did it for me.
For the first time, I was putting myself before others. For the first time, I felt strong and proud of myself. Years later your daughter still has these mental problems that have been unsolved. The past still haunts me every day. Now, these symptoms have gotten worse. I'm not diagnosed with anything and I do have mental health history in my family.
In the last month, I have been having frequent flashbacks, losing touch with reality, constantly irritated, depressed, thoughts I can't control, extremely emotional, easy triggers to things related to the past, trouble eating, can't sleep, can't get up, no motivation, lost interest in my favorite activities. These symptoms are quite common and usually come back. I've been dealing with this for years and just now I realized this isn't normal.
In that hospital, I made myself a promise. That I WILL get better. I will stick to that because I deserve answers, happiness, acceptance, and peace in my life. I don't know when I will tell my mother about this so I can find a medical professional who can get me the help I need.
I don't feel like you love me. I feel like I have failed as your daughter. I don't even know what I did wrong. I feel like I am the burden of your divorce. In my eyes you failed to be my father but not as a person. You are an amazing person. Kind, respectful, funny, great with children. You're a great father just not for me. I don't know what the future holds for my mental health and our relationship. Whatever happens, be the best father you can be to my sister. Be the father I'll never have.
Wishing you the best,
Your 15-year-old daughter
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