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I hate where I come from. I was given the world, but it was a world infected with disease and every time I ate some of the fruit I would get infected more and more with the incurable sickness that will slowly overtake me.
Growing up felt like a fairytale, and looking back on it now I realize how blinded I was by all the falsehoods. Aside from the bullying growing up, which I now realize happened mostly because I was so sheltered and thus sensitive to things that would go on in my life - I remember seeing a healthy family, being a kid laughing on Saturday morning watching cartoons, having family traditions and feeling the love of two happy parents. Your typical 4 person happy family.
It was all a cover up.
My growth opened my eyes to all of this, to what would really go on. The hardships I went through showed me the truth behind the lies growing up. Sometimes I don’t know whether to thank my parents for hiding everything, or resent them for giving me the ultimate lesson in never trusting and slowly start the race to ruin my ability to feel.
The trip to Wisconsin my father took when I was younger for two weeks, him staying in his “man cave” for days at a time because he was “sick,” my mother saying she has eye infections time and time again after seeing what looked like a woman who had just seen her children die in her arms. Hiding the negatives from everyone just to keep up their image, even if it meant putting on a smile when visiting extended family. Forcing me to lie to others so nobody knew what would go on. A few of the many things that would shape this darkness.
I was so naive and uneducated on the disgust that comes from people in this small speck of a planet floating in nothing.
We don’t matter, and that’s a hard pill to swallow when you let things like this get to you - if we don’t matter, then why do these things affect us? Why do we feel emotions? Why are these feelings given and taken away? Why do I feel nothing mot of the time? Why do we yearn for completion in another soul? Is there a way to find true happiness in ones self? What happens if we do - we still don’t even know why we’re here, so why does that journey even matter? What’s the point of a “legacy” if the chances are astronomical that you will even be remembered for one? Why was I subject to a fake belief lifestyle and not given freedom to trust in my own beliefs? Was it for my own good, or was I manipulated by my parents to help keep up their status in society? If we don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, then why do we have this internal battle of emotion? Why the fuck do we feel emotions?
Questions that develop when you start to realize that everything you were forced to learn growing up is a lie. Religion, love, happiness - all lies to protect innocence, but is protecting that innocence worth the lies if in the end that innocence turns into darkness?
I don’t know whether to thank my parents for hiding everything, or resent them for giving me the ultimate lesson in never trusting.
After the what felt like an eternity of bullying, mental pain inflicted through narcissistic tendencies of other negative energies in this fucking piece of dirt we are born into, I can’t feel anything - I thought I would be able to find it in someone else. She made it even worse.
She did more than lie to protect me like what I assume my parents were doing, she took every last ounce of emotion I was able to feel and sent it to a black hole millions of light years away. She chewed me up and spit me out like a piece of old gum. She made the bullying feel like a gratitude. It was the same old story, love disguised as a growing negative energy. Just like my parents. I thought she was the one, the second love that will be my last love. She destroyed my ability to take in compassion, to feel emotion for another soul. She destroyed me. Fuck you, Catie. I gave you everything and you took advantage of that, I somehow got my walls down for you and you made it your narcissistic playground. You took everything I told you and used it for your personal gain. Fuck you. Fuck you for taking away my ability to feel anything for another soul. Fuck you for keeping this battle going on in me, and making it worse. I hate you, I love you, I despise you, I miss you, I want the old you, I want to forget I ever met you. I don’t even know if your lessons were worth all of this.
And still… I smile. I will not let other energies feel incomplete like me. I will not let anybody be subject to this darkness. I smile. I laugh. I will not let somebody fall into this freezing cold space.
Will I ever be able to love again? To feel something for another soul? Why do I run away when I am shown these things? I know other souls aren’t like hers, so why do I reject someone else’s positive emotions for me? Why do I think they are lying when they tell me positive things about who I am and what I do? Will I ever be able to feel the butterflies in my stomach again when I kiss somebody? Will I ever feel that rollercoaster rush again? Why do I keep running away from emotions? Why can’t I get her negativity out of my mind? Why do I still let her manipulate me after all these years, when she isn’t even around anymore? Was I so desperate to feel ANYTHING, that I put up with it all even just to feel the pain?
I can’t feel anything.
Not pain. Not happiness. Not love. Not sadness. It’s just empty - I tell myself to feel these things, and sometimes I think I do. I wanted to feel SO FUCKING BADLY that I got addicted to sadness and it was better than feeling absolutely nothing. Sometimes I think I’ve climbed these goddamn vantablack walls and see all that sadness and happiness and love and gratitude and excitement and positivity and negativity and goals and just damn emotion. I get right to the edge… and then I just fall right back down. I fall back into the black hole, sucked up into the nothingness that surrounds me. There are moments when I let myself believe that all of this is behind me, but ultimately…
I can’t feel anything.
And still, I smile.
I am meant to float for eternity in this black hole, nobody will ever see this energy. What they see is an energy that protects them from this, I am the guardian. I am the guardian meant to stop their energy from entering this area of negativity, and they are not welcome here. This is my space and nobody in my matrix will ever be subject to feeling this emptiness. This endless fucking pit of nothing. My walls will keep you from this place, for that I continue.
And still, I smile.
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