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What is grief? Per the books it is defined as deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death. People grieve the loss of loved ones, friends and pets but what about the loss of something that once felt made you whole? Something that at one point gave your life meaning and purpose. Something that felt so grand that once lost you felt lost.
Last night I had a dream and it made me realize I never grieved this loss properly. In my dream as I walked along what seem like friends I was happy, laughing and having fun. In a moment of chaos a chose to make a left turn and within seconds I became the subject of ridicule. I was pointed at, laughed at, screamed at and worse I was left alone. I looked forward at what seemed like an treacherous uphill walk ahead. As all my friends ran by me I felt heavy, tired and sad; the walk was never ending or so it seemed. But, I made it to the top and for a slight second I felt relieved. That sense or relief quickly became fear and fear that I felt through every part of my being and suddenly I was gripping a book. A book that contained something valuable, something that would out someone and was the cause of my fears. I started to run holding this book and looking back every so often hopping I could get away from what felt like was chasing me. I saw an image of a man and as he got closer my fear grew, so I closed my eyes tight and when I opened them I found my self chasing the same shadow that was chasing me. What was that? Who was that? Why was I running from the very same person or thing I was chasing after? I stopped... I was confused... I was scared... and there in front of me was a door. Through this door I saw a friendly face a face that brought me hope and I called her Maribel. I trusted her I don’t know why but I did. I trusted her with my feelings, my fear and with my book. I looked into her eyes and handed her the book and she said, “come I will lead you to safety, don’t be scared”. I trusted her! Why? I took her hand and she led me out the room and we ran together. But, I was falling behind and she was getting further and further and as I screamed out for her she looked back with a smirked and ran faster until I could no longer see her. Where did she go? Again I found myself alone in the dark and afraid.
My take in this dream...
I made one wrong decision that led to me losing myself, my identity and sense of belonging. I went through some very dark times and was very emotionally unstable. I hid it well I might add. I had no care for myself or anyone for that matter. I was selfish! I crawled out the dark and saw a glimpse of happiness and quickly got sucked back into misery. I had a grip on my hopes and dreams and one small mistake led to that slipping from my fingers and forever being lost. I woke up crying! I cried because that part of my life no matter how short in time made me feel important and once it was gone i felt a void. Sixteen years later i still have that void and many unanswered what ifs!!
Maribel ran away with my dream!!
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This is very well written, and just know we support you.
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