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I haven't been happy with myself. Haven't been happy in a long time. To be honest I can only remember a few moments that i ever felt happy. For a long time i held on to those memories. Remembering them also hurts cause the happiness didnt last long. It was almost as if happiness was a treat waved in front of me and i only got a very tiny glimpse of it before it was pulled away. Like teasing a dog with a treat. Everyday my mind races and i tell myself get a job, go talk to that girl, make some friends. Problem is I always back out and almost never follow through. In the past 3 months i got two jobs and quit those 2 jobs. Of course my parents said they didn't care and to just keep looking for something ill enjoy. I know they probably just feel bad, or dont want me to hang myself. Problem is i seriously dont think i can enjoy anything. I can't explain this feeling i have. I just dont really believe in myself. I really never have. How can i? I have no friends, no job, im 22. I just dont even feel like a man. Im just a lazy kid i guess. I just see the world through a very sad lense. A lense that seems to be permanent. Ive been a really lonely person for a long time now and it hurts physically sometimes. I really do want to start working. I just want to get more than minimum wage and a job that isnt stressful. Which doesn't seem to exist. Ive become way too comfortable when im by my self, hell at this point i prefer it. I wish that wasn't true, but it is. Being alobe for so long has caused me to have social anxiety. Just anxiety in general. The type of anxiety where you sweat from your armpits your so anxious. I just dont see a way out. I dont see myself ever escaping depression. It stole years of my life when i was a child and It destroys me as a man. Sure alot of it is my fault but there are always things out of my control that never helped the situation either.
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At some point I can relate to you. When something bad happens to us everything seems horrible and we lose the hope to be happy again. But good things follows after the bad. And have faith in God . He is there to fix everything. May He help you get rid of your problems.
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