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Dear mother,
You were born not long after the Second World War, into a home that was likely still recovering from that time of upheaval. You were the eldest of 6 children and because of the times, you were expected to look after your younger siblings while your parents worked hard to bring money into the house.
Because of your duties to your brothers and sisters, you had to make many personal sacrifices. You once told me during one of your calmer moods that you wanted to go to college, but your parents didn't allow it because someone had to look after the younger children while your parents were away working.
And because your parents seemed to not be there for you when you needed them the most, you started to grow bitter and jealous. You also mentioned to me that your parents were abusive towards you too. You told me on a few occasions that your father would rage at you almost every single night while the whole family sat around the dinner table eating dinner. Your mother broke your arm at the elbow twice, poured boiling hot water over you and would throw anything within her reach at you if you bothered her too much.
And so, your bitterness and hatred grew towards your family. You became especially jealous of your middle sister, who seemed to be the golden child of the family. It sounded like she was spoiled rotten by your parents and given everything, including an expensive education. All the while you were berated and beaten for not being good enough.
I don't know if you ever realised this at the time, but your abusive parents and their toxic teachings had set you on a path of destruction, hatred and dysfunction. I understand that the knowledge of certain mental illnesses and personality disorders were nowhere near as clear back in your time compared to today, but I cannot understand why you chose to be like your parents and continue the cycle of abuse.
First it was with my half-sister. She had to put up with your alcoholism and neglect, as well as your violent mood swings and irrational tendencies that I am more familiar with. You kicked her father out of the house when she was still young, leaving only you as her role model.
Because you had not dealt with your childhood traumas, you passed down your parents' toxic and abusive behaviours to my half-sister and now, as I have unfortunately found out the hard way that she is now choosing to walk down the same dark path as you chose to do all those decades ago.
Some 20 years past after having my half-sister and you miraculously became pregnant again after so many failed attempts and miscarriages. You had me. I started out as your golden child, the one who would go to university and prove your parents and your siblings wrong and show them that my mother could be successful.
But the bitterness and the hatred from your childhood was always there in the background, just waiting to raise its ugly head. Your violent temper grew with every passing year that I got older as well as your paranoia and thirst for control.
You wanted to control every aspect of my life. At first I just thought you were being strict and trying to genuinely protect me from the world. But in reality, you were grooming me to be your loyal servant, to be your caretaker, to be your parent in the place of the real ones that you never had.
And so, you passed down your parents' toxic attitudes and behaviours to me, continuing the cycle of abuse. But you also passed down something else to me, your intelligence and cunning wit. And I was able to use these to escape your grasp and run far away from you, never to see me again.
It has taken me a while, but I now understand the reasons behind the majority of your actions. I now understand that your abusive childhood coupled with the lack of support for child abuse and domestic violence in your time largely influenced your behaviour and development.
I understand now that you may not have had the tools to cope with your past traumas like I do today and that may have hindered you in your healing process. But you did have one tool available to you that all of us do - you had the power of choice.
You chose to remain bitter and resentful towards your family for the majority of your adult life. You chose to not seek help for your conditions when the support and tools became available. You chose to pass on your parents' abusive legacy and continue the cycle of abuse. You chose to physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually abuse both myself and my half-sister. You chose to continue the abuse when you could have chosen otherwise.
And what makes it all the worse, you knew full well what you were doing. You were in complete control the whole time and yet you just kept on abusing me. I now know the name of your affliction, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it is likely both your parents had this personality disorder too.
I may have lost you, my half-sister and the rest of your "family" because I chose not to pass on your parents' legacy. I chose not to continue the cycle of abuse. I have chosen to try and fix all the damage that you have caused. The rest of your family has chosen to remain ignorant and in the dark of their ways and I cannot do anything about that.
I'm no longer interested in trying to have any sort of meaningful relationship with relatives on your side of the family. I tried to reconcile with them after I left home, but they want nothing to do with me. This coldness towards me was further reflected towards me by your siblings and their children at your funeral. They have made it absolutely clear that they don't want to have anything to do with me, and that is their choice and their loss. Maybe your were right about them after all.
The power of choice is in my hands now and I choose to not be like you.
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