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an outlet. i've been searching for one.
sigh. i'm so tired.
with a history of hidden emotions and constant pleas to express my feelings - when i finally try to hint at my moods, all i get is being brushed off.
i'm an as student. and alongside that, i'm doing another course. both of them are very demanding and requires a planned schedule. and schedules tend to be my weak point.
so it's been very taxing on my mental health. especially since my mental health has declined significantly throughout the year, with three attacks. it's not much, but still very terrifying.
i could drop one, take it easy. that option is handed on a platter in front of me. but i just want to prove to those people who told me that they don't want me to drop out because it's too hard, to prove that i can do it.
but it all comes down to one factor. friends. it gets very lonely.
i started having issues with my friendships about three years ago. though, i can't say i actually blame my friends. there was always this feeling of not belonging, abandonment and loneliness - so i grew to sticking by myself and that developed into problems with me making new friends.
i can't make new friends as easily anymore. so i found comfort in the strange yet beautiful friendships i saw on screen. kpop groups, their friendship bonds tight and strong.
these kpop groups, one by one, i came to love. one more than another, nct. if you know nct, they're split into four subunits, nct 127, nct u, nct dream and wayv. nct dream has a graduatung system - once you turn 20, you leave the group till you're placed into a new one.
nct dream started with seven members - mark, renjun, jeno, donghyuck, jaemin, chenle and jisung. last year, mark left. and this year, the four 00 liners - renjun, jeno, donghyuck and jaemin - are leaving.
and it hurts.
they held their first concert on november 15th, 2019. and i was so proud. these boys cried because they were so happy, thinking they'd never get a concert together.
on november 17th, 2019 - it was painful. it was theur last concert day and everyine was crying. the youngest, jisung, has always been an emotional boy and he was crying so much. then my boy, donghyuck was crying. renjun was crying. i was crying.
it may not seem much, but these boys mean so much to me. their friendship brought smiles to faces and i loved these boys as if my own children. it sounds weird, i know.
for the next two weeks, i couldn't function properly. couldn't do my work, had to force myself to get up for classes. and for four days that week, i logged in my mood as "aotp". i didn't speak as much as i usually do for those days.
i didn't expect it to affect me this much.
end of december, i'm recovering but my brother decides to be annoying and i finally broke. i could feel an attack coming if i hadn't forced myself to calm down.
getting attacks had always frightened me. i didn't know what would trigger it, didn't know when it would come. it scared me.
i didn't speak unless necessary for the rest of that day. it hurt.
then december decides to roll in. and it's packed. six days a week, approximately, i'm full. and it's sending my brain into overload.
when i said i had homework that i missed because i wasn't in the mood to do it when my brother wanted to watch frozen 2, my mother told me i can't not be in the mood.
i told my favourite cousin, who always asked me to talk to her, that i was tired. i got a brushed off reply.
i remember breaking down at the dead of the night while studying because i was so so tired. so tired of telling myself i'm fine. so tired of surviving.
just, so tired.
if i am asked to speak of emotions, something that isn't easy for me, then when i do it gets brushed off, what am i supposed to do?
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when mark graduated, it hurt me too. a lot. as dumb as it sounds, nct were keeping me afloat. so, i understand, but i promise that there is always someone out there who is willing to speak to you, who will listen to you and care for you and give you a shoulder whenever you need it. please don't bottle up your feelings, it's so unhealthy. you could speak to a counselor, talk to a close friend, or just come back here whenever you're feeling under the weather, but you're never alone.
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