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In my mind I am already on the ledge of this building.
I know which one it should be.
I think of sitting there. Letting my legs be over the ledge and just enjoying the view. For one final time.
The view of the city that gave me the final push... Well almost final.
No one knows how I feel. And the only person that's with me now, is the person who hurt me most. Who is still hurting me.
She knows I am not happy, she knows how I don't feel welcomed here. But I don't think she sees how lonely I am? And well if she does, she just doesn't seem to care.
An almost break-up. Thats only the tip of my iceberg.
No one knows how I feel. How much pain I carry all day.
Everyone sees my facade, the smile I put on to mask reality.
What others see, is not all. They see a young man, going to university, having a steady job, a lot of friends, ambitions.
I don't let anyone see that most of these ambitions are there sole for the reason of distraction. I don't want to think, that's why I do things. I am on student council at my university and go out a lot.
But as soon as I have a minute to spare all these thoughts and feelings are coming straight up.
There is nothing to be proud of, there is nothing you are really good at, there is nothing you really want.
Why are you going through all of this if it has no purpose?
She gave me a little hope and purpose. But I am not enough for her. And right now I am.nothing to her.
She is not the reason my mind keeps going up the stairs to the ledge. It has been doing that before. But right now this situation all together (visiting my girlfriend, basically breaking up, being all by myself in a city on the other side of the world, the feeling of worthlessness, the lack of reason) its just too much for me to take.
I want to sit there. Enjoy the view and either enjoy it for.the last time or maybe finding a reason.
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make yourself the reason
focus on you
not her
if you want to.. find someone else
if you dont want to.. thats alright.
your choices are your life
go and dominate the world, make it yours
and then.....
show her how much you have traveled
how much you have improved without her
go f the world ill root u on
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