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i crossed a line. its not the first time i hurt myself, not even the first time i dig something sharp into my skin. it relieves stress, directs my frustration and gives a target to every thought i dont know what to do with. but more importantly it makes me feel in control.
no 'no job'. no 'abusive brother'. no 'you deserve it because youre worthless'. no... not anyone. not anything. my life may suck and my future may be nonexistent but im the one in control when im in pain. always. i do it to myself, i see the consequences. its an impulse that involves nobody but me, that affects nobody but me. its my injury, my pain, my anxiety.
i drew blood. i scratched at my arm over and over again with the scissors, watched as it reddened around the raised skin. i saw blood rush up and i couldnt breathe but it was alright because i might be unable to breathe it out but maybe i can bleed it out. maybe everything fucked up within me can get out through it.
this isnt rational, i know. i know ive crossed the line between mildly anxious and batshit crazy and it scares me how sure i am that ill do it again. that ill be pushed over the edge all too soon and itll be my best option to ride out an anxiety attack.
but im beyond repair so who cares anymore
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There are so many better ways to cope. Please look into some of them, just do a quick internet search. There are ways that are not self-destructive, that will make this better instead of worse.
ReplyI'm sorry that you have to go through something like that. I have my own experience, so I can relate a little bit. I know that cutting is addicting, but you have to stop. I managed to do that, and you probably can too. I can't tell you to look at the positive side of things because I know that sometimes, there isn't one. Sometimes, you just feel hopeless. But if you need anyone, I'm here. Please just stop hurting yourself because you don't deserve that. I'm a total stranger but I care and I love you. I hope you feel better soon. ❤
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