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Does he know I have been crying in the shower? Does anyone know? Or care? My mental health is deteriorating can anyone else see that or just me. They keep prescribing me medications for my "episodes" its stopped the seizures, the shaking the falling the the constant fear of never being able to drive legally or even swim alone. I am crying on the shower because for just a moment I am in control. Or am I? Can I really control my emotions at all. These pills make me tired. So tired I can't make it through a day of work without nearly falling asleep. I can not focus on the task at hand as my mangers put it. My mind seems to be spiraling out into the abyss. I have no more control over me. Over how I feel. Over who I am. My emotions are everywhere and I am just so tired. So I spend another night crying in the shower. You see my husband he is a good man. He is always there for me. Protecting me. Taking care of me. Wanting what's best for me. But I am such a burden on his restless soul. I know he is tired of the running to catch my every move. I know he is tired of test. Hospitals and treatments. I am crying in the shower again. Because I can't control what is happening in my body. I can not control me. How am I even human at this point. I used to be happy. I used to work hard and get places. I used to spend time with my children making them laugh. Playing games and watching movies. But now.... Now I am just a zombie. I go to work, come home, cook dinner and just try to rest easy without being a burden to anyone. Then I sit under the raining shower head and I cry. I cry because I miss my husband. I miss my kids. I miss being the top dog at work. Now I feel as though I am pathetic, worthless and there is no use. Because no one can fix me. The doctors aren't sure why my seizures are happening so they prescribe me pills and therapy. I am just another unknown case. Unknown illness. With unknown answers. Its hard to make it through the day because no one seems to understand how frustrating it is to wake up one day and not be okay. So here I am another night crying in the shower. Not complaining about the amount of medications I have to take. Not complaining about how I am hungry but just can't keep anything down. Not complaining about my side effects. Because at least when I am crying in the shower. I know I am still alive.
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