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Four years ago you sat in a hospital bed with despair and agony as your only thoughts. Every day felt like a new failure waiting to happen, you thought there was no reason to live. You would wake up and feel as if not a person cared, and quite frankly you did not care. I've been watching you and I want you to know that I'm proud of you.
You got out of that bed and found your way to Boston, you managed to put one foot in front of another and work. Days were often tumultuous, and nights a blur, weed seemed to dull the pain, adding on psychedelics was an added touch of fun. You were in so much pain but you fought, you never gave up.
Life to you meant something, it was a vow that no matter how bad it got you were going to find a way, if you had to beg you'd beg, if you had to cry you'd cry, but you became committed to living. You dreamed so big, but your fear drove you to any means of escape you could get. Most nights aren't remembered and most of your mind is sex, and out takes.
How strong you were as you went back to school, you put on a brave face, made friends and got to the top of your class. All the while getting high every day, when twenty one came you let yourself out completely. I watched as you smashed into a beautifully restored Mercedes then sped away. Looked on as you spent money that wasn't yours on strippers. You'd wake up and drink, head off to class drunk. Wake up and spit blood, as you tried to tell yourself you didn't need more blow. You led people on, slept with anyone you could, and you said that was happiness.
No one knew just how scared you were, that you would never be anyone, the thoughts came again to end your life and yet you remembered you said no, so on you went.
You graduated top of your class through it all, with students and teachers alike looking on with affirmations of your ability, and all you felt was that you had nothing to offer.
You came to California, and failed at your job and lost yourself in hate, and then you decided to cut back on drinking and try something new, and you started getting the hang of it. You found the most beautiful woman in the world and the world started to look up. Little did you know you were on the tip of your iceberg, getting ready to sink.
The fighting came, the intimacy was lost, the drinking and drugging restored, and then gone. You let drinking go, you threw away your relationship, you sat in pain.
Now you are in the best position you ever have been, you have a dream job, you are coming up on ten months sober, you are taking ownership of your flaws, you have great friends. You are living a life you thought impossible since you were eight. So Chris do not cry, it is all worth the while, slow down, your time is coming, I believe in you.
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