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Do you guys remember that feeling of "I'll keep going!!" that you had after some obstacle or bad thing happened to you? You know, that feeling that pushes you to keep going in spite of anything...
Well, is very hard for me to recover it now. I have to do an effort to have it. And sometimes, I'm too tired to make the effort (I'm not talking about being lazy, but having no energy, no hope, or no motivation).
I'm passing through poverty, although my situation is not the worst. But poverty it's not only financial but it's in the inside now. It got worse my situation year after year, and now I know it got to my inside... since I nearly smile or laugh now.
I was not like this before. I believe we don't born as depressed beings, I think depression or sadness comes after a long time of being suffering alone and/or after passing through a lot of bad circumstances for a very long time.
Now, my desire is to live at peace. I don't want to work cleaning people's houses (I hate it actually). I don't want to be disturb while I enjoy life: my pets, nature, natural silence. But those circumstances are only present in a 30% in my life right now. Gosh, can't even pay a rent.
My post-traumatic fears, all, became real: poor, abandoned, completly alone, with my smile vanished.
In case you were wondering, I'm going to therapy since 1 year and 3 months, but I won't go this month, I need the money. And I am taking 5 mg of escitalopram for social phobia (an anxiety disorder) developed after a couple of traumatic experiences I had. Both, the disorder and the mind are a lot better from last year. But the financial situation is extremely exhausting, having hope is exhausting. I live in Argentina, and j don't have a degree so, it's very difficult to get a job unless you know someone. And I don't have contacts, of course, in this situation a lot of people disappear from my circle, because they're bussy living their normal life, and I can't assist social reunions because I don't have money to collaborate with thefoiod or a present if it's a birthday.
Anyway
thank you very much for listening tonight. For some reason, I'm still breathing, so, have a good night.
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I really hope that things get better for you!Stay strong
Replythank you very much Kashti!! ♡
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