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Trigger Warning: Really Messed Up Thoughts You Don"t Want To Read
4 years ago · 3 · Childhood Trauma, +31 · Explicit
1140
I wish I never remembered. I wish I never remembered why I've seemingly subconsciously sought out selfish seductresses my whole life. I wish I never remembered that thing that makes me feel dead certain inside that I am not never was and never will be man enough for the people around me to ever truly see a being worthy of respect. I wish I could keep lying to myself and in so doing, have kept my own respect. If I wanted it, If I wanted to be raped then it wouldn't even matter. If as a 5 year old boy, I had wanted my best friends 16 year old sister to have started molesting and raping me regularly, then it couldn't have been rape. I was just the lucky child everyone would think I was. If I had wanted it. But I did not want it. So I suppose I am a eunuch now in most people's eyes. A wretched thing. Shameful. Disgusting thing. Oh God I wish it wasn't real! God forgive me for my weakness. Forgive me for not liking it when she touched me. Forgive me for not liking it when I tried to call out for help and she choked me until I passed out. Forgive me for the cowardly way that to this day sometimes even shirts with tight collars can make me freak out. Forgive me for my deception as I pretend to be ok in front of friends who I know have been conditioned by society to hate those who get too out of line from the status quo. Forgive me for wakinging up from passing out and not liking that my pants were gone and she was on top of me. Forgive me for being a whore. Forgive me for not wanting to be one. Forgive me for not being a better whore. Forgive me for whatever terrible sins earned me this destiny. Forgive me please or let me die and be dispersed from all universes and existences and pre- life's and after life's and whatever. Let me survive or take me to Egypt and feed me to Ammit. I wish I had any strength at all -whether to just go on or just to quit. I wish I could escape this living nightmare in the background of everything I do. I don't even deserve peace enough to die. I'm a worthless little dildo thing. And I should be happy with that. I don't matter. No one cares. And no one can ever know. God keep torturing me with this, but please don't ever let anyone find out that it happened to me! Oh god, my life would really be over then, And train wreck that it is, it's all I have left. I wish I didn't hate my body. I wish I could reach out to a woman and trust and have a meaning ful experience of love. Ugh... Forgive me that thinking of physical love is starting to make me feel I'll sometimes. I can't take this. The isolation. The nightmares. The thing that happens when something reminds me too and I just fall right back into it like In 5 yrs old and she's there again but right now. God forgive me that I was almost late for work because I had such an experience as I awoke the other morning. At least I wasn't so weak and unmasculine as to actually be late for work because of some sissy feeling stuff. Thank God for that!
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Hi. I don't claim to know how you feel. And I know I don't know you. But I hope that you will be able to find some healing and love in this life. And I am sorry you have suffered. Please don't give up on yourself or on the world. After all, if there really is a God like you mention, he probably is a good God who probably doesn't really want anyone to suffer. And I get the impression myself that you are probably stronger than you think. So maybe if you are not comfortable with therapy, it might still be comfortable to come back here and share again if you need to.
ReplyI felt your frustration and pain as I read what you wrote. It's not right that you feel this way because of horrible people.
ReplyJust you forgive yourself. You were innocent and you are. Don't suffer yourself. Life is hard but you still can find heal. Don't blame yourself. Love yourself you deserve better and you can heal. Many people have same problem. Myself am suffering from same. God bless you
Reply