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I think I have "daddy issues" and I'm not feeling good about it
2 weeks ago · · Depression, · Explicit
I'm a 23 year old gay guy and I've got some serious issues conserning my mental health. I've been very insecure, antisocial and lonely all my life. Although not diagnosed yet, I'm quite sure I have Asperger's. I was always a bit different - never had any friends, had some weird habits and special interests other kids didn't have, never liked sports and had troubles socializing and understanding other people.
I also never had a proper relationship with my father. I never felt like he actually understood me or accepted me for who I am. He never really seemed to care about how I felt and never really understood what kind of person I actually was. Instead it felt like he was always trying to blame me for not being someone he imagined his son would be. He's just like a stranger I happened to know for 20+ years. He has problems with alcohol, is a narcissist and has always only cared about himself. He never teached me the lessons one's father is supposed to teach. He constantly argued with my mom, never took responsibility for his actions and never seemed like someone I could trust. I had always felt like I'd rather have him out of my life. Recently he found a lover and divorced my mom and I couldn't have been any happier, even though they should've done that a few decades earlier. He is constantly repeating how much he loves me but it feels like these are just words.
I've been thinking about this quite a lot lately because one movie I saw recently touched my heart very deeply. It's a movie from 2010 called The Switch. It's probably just another romantic comedy for most people and it's not any kind of cinematic masterpiece but for me it just struck a chord in my heart and I can't remember any other movie that touched me on such a deep personal level. I just couldn't stop crying after seeing it. It tells a story about a 7 year old boy who met his actual biological father but they both didn't know they were actually father and son. While looking at that boy I felt like I was looking at myself. He wasn't like all the other kids, he wasn't joyful or extroverted, had different interests than kids normally do, didn't get along with his peers and everyone looked towards him as a little weirdo. Even though he was very smart, you could see how life would be rather difficult for him. Even his own mom tried to change him, force him to make friends, become more active and accept society's norms. Nobody wanted to accept him the way he was except one person, his mother's old friend who was his actual father, portrayed by Jason Bateman. He was the first person in that boy's life who actually understood him. He saw quite a bit of himself in that boy and he didn't try to change him. That kid looked at him like he was his saviour. They heard each other and saw each other, the real themselves. The connection between them was so strong and so pure, the kind of connection I've never had with my father or anyone else. Nobody has ever accepted me just as I am.
And then I think that maybe I'm still that little kid just like the boy in the movie and maybe I'm still waiting for my "real" dad to come and save me. Except that I'm almost 23 and my "real" dad is my actual dad and no one will hear my silent cry for help, nobody willl come and save me. I keep fantasizing about having a relationship with a grown up man in his late 30s or early 40s. Not particularly in a sexual way, rather a platonic friendship. Although I have to admit, lots of men of this age look extremelly attractive to me, way more than guys of my age. I saw Jason Bateman in that movie and how I wished that character was my actual friend. The one who would understand my insecurities, my weaknesses, who would talk to me for hours and hours, who would listen to me calmly without judging, who would share his own wisdom and experience, who would hug me and told me what I am supposed to do when I feel completely lost and abandoned
But then I realize it's just a fantasy that will never come true. I will be waiting for my saviour, my only friend, but he will never come and I will only hurt myself even more. No man would want this kind of relationship with a mess like me. No friend and no boyfriend would want to play this role because it would only be toxic for them. What would I give them back? My weakness and insecirity before they ran away from me? I know, this is not how life and relationships work. My biggest problem is that I'm smart enough to understand that this is not right but I'm not strong enough to do something about it. I will always be that little kid waiting for my dad to save me from the bullies inside of me.
I've never had a boyfriend but maybe I'm not seeking one. Maybe I'm unintentionally looking for someone who would treat me the way my father never did, and that will only lead me to a neverending loneliness for the rest of my life. All that makes me think that maybe my complicated relationship with my father, never having a father figure whom I could respect and who would accept me, has caused or at least contributed to so many mental problems I'm suffering as an adult. How can I accept myself when nobody has ever accepted me, not even the person who is supposed to be the most important man in my life, my actual dad?
I'm just confused and lost. I feel so abnormal. How do I even deal with this?