What are you looking for?
2 years ago · · Brokenhearted,
You broke my heart.
You looked me straight in the eye, and told me I was never what you had wanted.
I could never BE what you wanted. I wasnt HER. You looked me square in the eye and said it.
I felt panic. I felt anxious. I didnt know, I didnt understand. I had given it my all. I opened my heart and mind to things I once would have balked at. I let you in, fully. I almost let you take ME fully. I trusted you. I wanted you. Even though we were different, I tried. I gave us a chance.
You never gave us a chance. You were never planning to. I was a game all along.
And now what, you say we should stay friends? That I should come and hang with you?
I wont. Thats your way of worming out of this. Thinking that if we're still friends, perhaps I didnt hurt her as much as I thought. But you did.
I hurt and hurt, and I ache and I'm sore. I thought I finally found, home. I was ready to make you, home.
I felt so raw in the moment. Confused. Felt helpless. What do you mean, you didnt want anything serious? What had we been doing for two months? Why had you been trying to open me up to you, physically and emotionally if you never planned on being serious?
Why did you play me?
Why didnt you state from the start what it was you wanted? And if what you wanted had changed, why didnt you state that then?
Why did it take ME asking you where things are going, for you to tell me you were never serious.
That look in your eye, telling me I could NEVER compete with her. That "ecststay" you found, you NEVER felt in me, and NEVER would. That you would search the world to find what that ex-girlfriend once gave you, but never consider me? Never consider me turning into something more, possibly giving you that high you had been looking for.
Or even consider that maybe that ecstasy-love was meant to stay in the past, and you might get something better, bigger, more meaningful.
That maybe, the reason it was so special because it was in the past, a time that was sacred then, but its different now . My first love meant a lot to me too, but I wasnt looking to replicate my first love experience with someone new.
No, you are hell-bent on finding that high she gave you. Go back to her then. No GIRL IN THE WORLD will be be able to replicate what she gave you. Dont hurt girls in the process, dont tear them down saying they will never be as good as your ex, dont tell them you dont stand a chance, and i'm not even pursue a chance with you because you will never be her.
You looked me in the eye and said those things.
No you said, you'd marry a girl of your moms choice, before you'd marry me.
You broke my heart, S.
And I like a mad hatter was ready to sacrifice all for you.
But I promise, I wont let this take away from my humanity. I will remain vulnerable. I will remain good hearted, and loving.
I will run right back into the fire, because I am resilient.
I wont let you turn me into stone, out of hatred for you.
You are stuck in the past, but I will rise from these ashes.
I will choose to run into that fire over and over again, because even though I burn, I know its better to feel and hurt than to never feel at all.
You broke my heart.
But I will heal it.
And build again.
For someone new.