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When I was really young, I must have been 7 or 8... I had a series of homosexual experiences with a peer of mine. We were just stupid kids not knowing what we were doing. But it has always followed me. We did so many things and the memories are so strong in my head, I can remember everything about them. Even the smell of his bedroom and all the small events throughout those days.
I have a specific memory of sitting with him on the schoolbus as he whispered sexual things to me. We grew apart very quickly after that. He was too interested, too invested, too enthusiastic for how guilty I felt. It seemed scary. So I stopped hanging out with him.
After that, I think I was always different. I didn't build friendships like the other kids, or even talk to people a lot. Most of my experiences as a child were observational. Watching things happen and learning from that. I wasn't good at interacting with others, I was good at other things. Good at drawing, writing, music.. anything that wasn't directly interpersonal. Math? Easy. Group project? Fail.
As time went on and I got older, there was one thing that was always constant: Pornography.
This is taking a strange turn, but my porn addiction began very early in life. I was 11 when i saw a porn magazine, and after we got a family computer it wasn't long before I discovered internet porn.
Fast forward ten years, and the discovery turned into obsession, obsession to addiction, and now that addiction has grown into a full blown dependency. Watching porn 5+ times a day, several hours daily. More types of porn. Stories. Manga. Audio. More and more depraved fetishes all the time.
Forward even further to present day, and it's gotten a lot worse. Now, the porn addiction that I suffer from has become fetishized like everything else. Captions and images that tell me being addicted is good and all I want. Telling me to relapse. Labelling me, creating a scenario where I've developed a very self isolating addiction to porn, one that undermines my intimate confidence and establishes positive feedback loops that encourage a stronger addiction.
At this point it feels so entrenched. Going for hours and hours every day just to feel guilty. Subjecting myself to more and more even when I don't want to just to see if I can fuck myself and my brain up even more. Depriving myself of sleep to watch porn. Skipping class to watch porn. Quitting my job. Neglecting family and friends. Physical health. Who cares? I'm obviously too addicted, this is what I deserve. Nothing else makes me feel like this...
I hate it. I want out. I want out so so bad. It's everywhere. I can't escape it. I just want to live my life. But now when it's happening I don't even care if I die. Afterwards I'm mortified with myself. The lines are starting to blur, and suicide is starting to sound like a way out.
I feel like between all the bad in the world, all the oppression and surveillance and corporate politics, all my poor relationships, all my mistakes and regrets, I just can't stop thinking about them because I never do anything that seriously changes my situation. I feel so incredibly alone, so fucking isolated that I swear I'm going insane. I need human interaction so bad. I need someone to tell me they love me. I need some consolation or intimacy or even just a god damn hug, I want to feel like someone really cares about me, and that I'm not just being left to die in the cold. I don't feel any love, and it's terrifying.
I've pushed so much away, all I have left is this absurd addiction. It feels like my intelligence, my charisma, my ambitions, my happiness, it's all been siphoned out of me. Everything feels like it's gone, I'm just a hollow shell of a person. I just want to die so I don't have to feel like this anymore.
I'm sorry...
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No, see you’re not helping yourself by making this post. You’re blaming it on being addicted, but the fact of the matter is the only way to stop is to STOP. Just because you’re addicted doesn't mean it’s not a choice. It’s a choice! You have control over whether you wath porn or not, don’t blame it on addiction
Reply“ Just because you’re addicted doesn't mean it’s not a choice.” - That’s not how addiction works. Real addiction leaves you with no choice.
ReplyYou don't understand how hard an addiction is. It is harder than it seems.
ReplyTake it one minute, hour, day at a time. This condition did not happen overnight. You are loved and are not alone. There is courage inside of you to fight through this. I wish you the best.
ReplyJust get into No Fap. It's helped some people.
Replyhey, Im so sorry that you are going throw this, I know that is really hard to came out of an addition but the hard thing is started, you ares such an intelligent young man and i know when you feel totally ready you would do it, meanwhile dont full your mind with this thoughs, every time you fell some of this thoughts are coming to yor mind just think in anything else like the color of wall of the cloth that you are wearing, you got this, i send a lot of love and strengh
Reply