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Mommy,
Its me... I miss you everyday of my life, and just thinking about you brings tears to my eyes then I find myself crying. Life has gotten so hard since you left.. I try to get through it but find myself almost doing something stupid. When I lived in Columbus, I found myself running into so many situations where I found out that literally not everyone likes me. Yes, I know that you warned me of these things when I was younger, but I dont like going through this everyday of my life. Living down there, it was a nightmare. The girl I was staying with lied to me about the lease ending just so that she could get me out of her way. I dont really care about it cause I never bothered to pay her full rent, due to the fact of how I was sleeping on the floor. The trip we took to Myrtle Beach was hell as well, they all acted as if they wanted me there but in reality I know they didnt, and the later confessed to it. I was always questionable about the friendship that I had with them, and I am happy that I did.
People down there only acted like they wanted to be my friend.. it was so horrible. I met some military guys on Tinder thinking that maybe I could find someone for me.. someone that would finally treat me right but I was wrong about that too. The military guys later on started passing around my number to each other... I would get text messages from them telling me about how they would treat me right and not like shit. Later on found out myself that they just wanted me for sex... I know, disappointed in me right...I would be too for the fact I was dumb enough to fall for the lies. There was my "friend" Stad that I met before the military shenanigans... thought I could be happy with him, but he just wanted me for sex as well.. I came to the conclusion that I am not pretty.. I am just seen as some sex object.
I know, I know you are probably saying, " No honey, you are beautiful and you should never think this way." But mommy, sometimes I just have these thoughts and have no idea what to do with myself. I have had so many cries out for help and nobody there to actually help me. I have been dealing with this myself for a while now since you left me here.. That sounds really negative and I want you to know that it isnt meant to be that way. I thought talking to this other guy named Darian would help me get a step closer to finding a guy that would love me for me, but again another guy who just wanted to use me for sex. Lets just say basically every guy that I have ever run into in Columbus, lied to me.. they all wanted to use me for sex to ghost me the next. Dont even get me started on Josh... that man .. I thought he was the one .. we did coke together, smoked weed together, I even opened up to him and a select few of the other guys I thought were "the one". He would ghost me weeks upon weeks, to message me at random times. Like once he messaged me at 3 am... yes... 3 in the morning... asking what ? Well let me tell you, and I am sure you probably guessed it by now. He.. just wanted sex... and I can still remember those text like it was just yesterday. "I really need you right now. Can I come pick you up?" I told him no.. cause after a while of him ghosting me on and off I got so sick of it. He even lied to me about telling his mother about me, lying through his teeth about how he really likes me, but never trusted me in his house alone. The only thing I ever went over to his house anymore for was for his dog, Esco, and I miss that big cutie pie.
I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder why me... why does it have to be me of all people that is getting treated this way in the world. Yes, yes I know I am forgetting someone...
Joey... him I dont really have much to say.. there are good times.. but it was mostly the negatives that I think of whenever I think of him. Yes, of course I loved him but he tried to change me into someone he wanted me to be, rather than accepting me for who I am. He bought me things, and I am so thankful for it, but the main things that he has done he will probably think is stupid. He would get upset cause I never liked talking about things he did that hurt me in person. If he were to read this, I feel like he would understand then, but he never will. He only really ever cared about his feelings. The only time he ever asked me about mine was when I called him out on it, and he finally bothered to ask me how I was doing emotionally in life. At that point I decided that I dont even know if I want to be with this guy anymore. I hated myself cause I didnt have a good enough job to get him things as much as he got me, and I am so sure he thought I was just using him for money. I didnt work much so whatever I made went towards rent and I kept some for food, clothes and whatever I need during mother natures visit.
He was kind to me but he always spoke to me like I was just some object, yes I know I am probably putting this in such a horrible way, but he always talked to horrible about "fat" people, I told him that he doesnt know if they were trying to lose weight, that judging people who dont go to the gym 24/7 like he does isnt cute. He once told me the only way to get me the hips that I want so badly was to get me pregnant... can you believe that.. and I am so sure he didnt even feel guilty about it. When he said it I kind of gradually stopped actually telling him how I felt, kept everything to myself cause at that point I knew all he would do is just judge me. We went to the AnimeCon together and I honestly didnt reallly have fun with him.. the only time I did was when I ditched him and made other friends at the convention. When it came time to me getting put out by the bitch who lives in Columbus, I told him about it straight away, cause I honestly didnt want to leave him. I knew that I wouldnt be able to do the long distance thing.. he told me that he would try and get something figured out, someone I could stay with so I wouldnt have to leave. But he really did nothing.. he didnt care that I was leaving, and if he did care he didnt bother to show it. He wanted me gone.. and if he didnt he sure never bothered actually telling me.
I was always the one hurt in the relationship with him and he never even noticed, he just looked past it and spoke about himself. I would always tell about how things made me feel and he would assume that I was comparing him to people, when in reality he never bothered to understand why I was telling him those things. I miss him most of the time but I know that he would never take me back, because I know he was lowkey probably seeing someone behind my back for the simple fact he never bothered messaging me. I always texted him good morning, telling him how much I loved him and hoped that he had a good day. I think he noticed those messages slowly stopped happening so he did it to me once or twice, but that wasnt enough for me. I wanted his attention to much, I wanted him to move out of his dads house sooner, so that I could be with him. Another thing that flew over his head and he never really cared about. Oh, did I forget to mention that he was in the military? Yes? I am so sorry... he would always tell me about his job and me knowing not a thing about the ranks I just sat there and listened cause I knew that it was important to him. I told him that I wanted him to be the one... the one I married and if he wasnt looking for the same thing then I didnt really want to stay with someone who doesnt have the same thoughts. He told me that he did but always spoke about waiting a couple years (like 4 or more). I am not patient and I decide when I love someone 2 months into the relationship if they are treating me right, I am being told that I am beautiful even though I feel like I am not. He never called me beautiful now that I think about it... Hed also get mad about things like telling his own sister Happy Birthday. He would get mad about it, and I never will understand why, and I am so sure that he is probably going around telling people that I used him when in reality it was never that way. I just wanted a man, who loves anime, marvel, DC, horror, sci-fi, comedy, action tv shows and movies the way that I do. But instead I got a guy who always spoke to me like I was a child, constantly trying to probe me wrong in everything. I remember onces I made him cry in class and I finally put my foot down because he was only speaking about himself. That day I was teling him something and he wasnt bothering to listen to me, so I told him that I didnt give a fuck about his tears, that he was crying in class because he never bothers listening to my feelings.
I dont know why I miss him, but I just do and half of me wants to stop, but the other half still wants too. On top of all that he never spoke about me on his Facebook and he actually wanted to keep me a secret from everyone when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then after everything at the convention there is a guy I want to speak about but I dont really feel as if it will get anywhere, I hope it does but I dont know.. So I wont be speaking of him. Apart of me wants to be with this other guy but 70% of me wants to go running back to Joey...
Mommy, I am so sorry that this is so long.. so much has just happened in my life... and I am fighting an ongoing battle where I want to just end myself most of the time.. The only thing in all honesty is you.. I think of you, what you would possibly tell me and pick myself up, dust myself off and keep moving forward.
I love you mommy, and I will probably be typing more of these although you cant really see them... maybe next time I will speak on the few times I tried to off myself.. but Im going to save that for another time..
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If you need me, I'm here for you.
If you need advice or want to vent, feel free to tell me. I've been through many issues and problems in my life and I want you to know that I am supporting you...
I had a ex girlfriend and she lost her mom to suicide. I feel your pain since I understand what it's like. Idk if your moms past but I know you're hurting. I wish you the best and your mama does love you and wants you to be happy. Remember to keep your head up and be the strong independent woman you are. And don't live on past lovers, just love yourself and be happy
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