What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text TEEN to 839863 (Teen Line). More resources.
We met over three years ago. A completely random series of events found us working at the same grocery store. She wasn't my type. I wasn't looking for anything. She was the textbook bad girl, and I was a goody-two-shoes just finishing a mission trip for my church. We worked together for about three months before I went off to school. Somehow, during that time, we became friends. It all started when I refused to tell her something, and to convince me to open up, she found a way to annoy me: getting into my personal space. At the time, such close proximity to her made me nervous, and I usually just ended up laughing hysterically. As such, she eventually forgot all about making me tell her whatever it was, and instead, she kept "falling on me" just to see my reaction.
Throughout all this, I never really thought about her in a romantic way. We were work friends. That's it. I even had feelings for another coworker at the time, though I ended up blowing her off when she invited me to a party on New Year's Eve. I left town the next week to go to school about thirty minutes away, and didn't see the other coworker after that. Still, whenever I came home from school on the weekends, it wasn't unusual for me to run into my friend.
At the end of the semester, I was feeling down. Things hadn't gone well at school. I'd been depressed for a good chunk of the semester, and by the end of it, I had to struggle just to get myself to class. I returned home wondering if I'd made a big mistake and pondering on my life's direction. I knew I needed a break from school, so I went back to the one thing I knew: my job at the store. My friend's reaction to my return was enthusiastically happy. I can still see the smile on her face when I showed up for work the first day. Our supervisor happened to walk with me down an aisle she was working on, and she walked over and gave me an unexpected hug. It was good to be back.
During the time I'd been gone, she'd started seeing someone, and it seemed to be going well. I'll admit to feeling a little jealous; a feeling that, at the time, I'd attributed to feelings more fraternal than romantic. (In fact, I would continue to make vain attempts at convincing myself that my feelings for her were more along the lines of a "big brother/little sister" relationship than a romantic one.) Over that summer, our friendship deepened, and she got engaged. I remember the day I found out. A mutual friend and coworker told me she'd come in with a ring on her finger. It took the air out of me. I knew I shouldn't be feeling that way, but what could I do? remained supportive of her, even though many people without my bias continued to express concerns about her fiance. They didn't like him, and I didn't either. I was grateful that they didn't plan to marry until the following summer. Maybe by then she'd come to her senses.
Over the next several months, our group of friends went through a lot of changes. I was promoted to a management position at the store. One of my friends and fellow assistant managers struggled with a stress-related medical condition that caused him to lose a lot of weight. Another dealt with the loss of a parent. I also decided not to return to school right away and bought a house in another state. However, as a condition of my mortgage type, I had to remain in my current state for another year. I felt stuck.
My friend and I relied on each other during this time. I was easy to talk to, so she would confide in me about struggles she was having, including some struggles with her fiance. I maintained my supportive attitude, encouraging her to fix the relationship and talk to him instead of me. We would get Mexican food after work sometimes when she needed to vent or just needed a break from things. I recall times when she would say things that made me pause: "Why can't he be more like you?" or "I mean, you're the only one I would call. I can't call [my fiance] cause he'd just freak out." She'd call or text me after a scary drive in the ice and snow or when she accidentally got high because her roommate had left brownies out on the stove.
Meanwhile, for several months, I'd been working with and supervising the little sister of the coworker I'd blown off on New Year's Eve the year before. That little sister eventually got the idea to set me up with her big sister, and I decided, "Hey, why not?" It wasn't like anything else was happening in that area of my life. I started dating her sister exactly a year after I originally bailed on the New Year's Eve party. Still, my friend and I remained close, and we continued to do things together just the two of us. At one point, we were both experiencing low points in our respective relationships. She determined that she would break up with her fiance when their lease ended that summer. I eventually picked things back up with the other girl.
During this time, my friend became interested in religion, and I started answering her questions and introducing her to people who could help her on her faith journey. Throughout this process, the two of us were often mistaken for a couple. That wasn't terribly unfamiliar to us though, as it had happened at the store once or twice.
Eventually, the time came for me to decide whether to move to my new house in a different state or stay where I was a while longer. Things were going well enough with the girl I was seeing that I decided to stay. However, the day before I was to sign a lease to stay, she drove down from school for her little sister's graduation, and I received the dreaded "we need to talk" text. She broke things off with me that night in a way that completely destroyed my confidence. Instead of signing a lease the next day, I turned in my two-weeks at work. I was moving far away. As soon as word got out, one of our coworkers started telling my friend, not jokingly, that she should move with me.
My friend and I spent a lot of time together over the next two weeks, and shortly before she was set to move out and break things off with her boyfriend, I moved two thousand miles away. We kept in contact, talking or texting several times a week. Occasionally, we'd both send a longer, deeper message about how glad we were to have known each other and been friends for so long, however unlikely that friendship was at first.
Sadly, around a year ago, one of our friends and coworkers, the same one who'd suggested that she move with me, passed away. Naturally, I flew out for the funeral. I spent a good chunk of each of my four days back there with my friend. We had lunch or dinner together about every day, though she was "talking" to the deployed nephew of a friend of ours at the time. By this time, I had admitted to myself that my feelings for her were more than friendly or fraternal. I even had several conversations with her that were actually about her, though she didn't know that. It was tough. A few of our mutual friends found out about my feelings while I was there, and each expressed enthusiasm at the idea of us together, but I maintained that she wasn't interested in me. I returned home without telling her how I felt.
A few months later, as she was still single, and we had continued to talk regularly, I determined to finally let her know how I was feeling. I'd do it in a simple way that reassured her that I wasn't trying to rock the boat, but I needed her to know how I felt. As a gardener, I know a thing or two about the symbolic language of flowers, and she knows this, so I determined to send her a bouquet on her birthday that would say it for me as soon as she looked them up. However, right as I prepared to make the call to order the flowers, I got a message from her. She explained that she was starting to think there was something to the whole "faith" thing. Someone had been in a serious motorcycle accident the day before and essentially walked away from it. I responded that I'm glad she got a positive experience with God out of it, and I told her I was glad her friend was okay. She informed me then that her friend was actually her new boyfriend; they'd started dating earlier that week. Knowing that the boy she'd just started dating that week was in the hospital, I felt that sending "I love you" flowers was probably not in good taste. I never made the call.
Things changed after that, and we stopped talking as often. What used to be a several times a week thing turned into once or twice a month: something I knew would eventually happen to us if our relationship never turned into something else. Eventually, later in the year, I started seeing someone again. It quickly turned exclusive, and when it reached social media, my friend was quick to send me a message.
"Um, WTH!? When did this happen?"
"Um, a few weeks ago..."
"Damn, so should I be expecting a wedding invitation soon?"
"Guess it depends on how long we can keep our hands off each other ;)"
"Agh! Stop it! You're supposed to be the innocent one!"
"Time changes people."
"Apparently. Wait til [a mutual friend] here's about this!"
"Yeah... um, he kinda already knows..."
She sent three broken heart emojis. "Rude."
"Well, we haven't really been talking a lot lately. Thought it would be weird if I just randomly popped up in your dms like 'Oh, hey, I'm dating someone now. lol'"
"It wouldn't be weird."
The conversation went on for a while longer, but you get the idea. I guess it made us both realize that we used to talk about everything, and now we weren't even keeping in touch.
A few weeks later, she sent me a message that I received on my way to work. It was a meme that sparked a conversation about our friend who'd passed away.
"He's got to be so bummed up there knowing that I never followed you out there." She wrote.
"Yeah, well, we both know that was never gonna happen."
"Haha yeah, as much love as I have for you, I wasn't about to run across the country with you."
"I don't blame you ;)"
"Miss you tho!"
"I miss you too. Ya know, strange as it may sound, you'll probably always be my biggest 'what if' about my time out there."
I found the courage to say that much, and to my great astonishment, she said she'd had those thoughts too.
"Rationally tho, we never would've worked. I'm too intense, crazy, spontaneous, and the lack of religion was a big factor as well." She'd qualified her confession.
I couldn't help but notice that her "rationalization" was only focused on her qualities: why she wasn't good for me. Knowing her, that could just be her way of sparing my feelings by not saying "you're too lame, sane, boring, and religious for me." Or it could have been a subliminal way of saying that the only reasons we wouldn't work had to do with things that would keep me from wanting something with her.
I still don't know. I don't know how she feels.
Since then, we've talked a couple of times. Her boy wasn't happy about her decision to enlist. She did it anyway. He was noticeably absent from the pictures when she swore in. She hasn't mentioned him since either. However, when I sent her my congratulations, she responded, "Thanks. I appreciate it, and you."
In other recent communications, I told her I was planning a trip to visit her area. She responded enthusiastically, but said she might not be there due to basic and AIT. I asked her to let me know when she'd be back, and I'd plan accordingly. She called me sweet for doing so. On another occasion, I was venting about some stresses, and she was trying to help. I told her it wasn't her job to solve all my problems.
"But I want to solve your problems :)"
I told her she was sweet that time.
I just don't know what to do. I know in my heart of hearts that I'm planning this trip as an excuse to see her. It'll be great to see all of my other old friends too, but there's a reason I'm putting it off until she's back. It's inconvenient, but that's what I'm doing. I don't know how to proceed. I ended up breaking things off with my girlfriend because my heart just wasn't in it, but every time I think I'm in a place where I can move on, my feelings for my friend bubble to the surface all over again. I can't just cut her out of my life; she means too much to me for that, but I don't know what else to do. I have so many regrets where she is concerned, many that I haven't even listed in this post that is already entirely too long. (Sorry!) I'm confused and wishing that there was an easy way to resolve this. After all, even if our attraction and affections are mutual now, the distance will make any kind of relationship that much harder. It seems so illogical and so impossible, but I think it'll kill me if I don't ever try.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
I read every word. I hope you go for it!
ReplyAll you can do is try. I wish you all the best after all this. That was a lot to read.
ReplyI have a feeling that if it didn't happen yet, the same thing that's stopped the relationship from being formed (which I don't think is just your lack of attempts, it's hard to explain but I have a gut feeling about it), is going to be there, always. Nevertheless, you should give it a try and tell her how you feel. Also, you've noted that you're religious so I think it would be really good to get some guidance from God regarding her. She could very well be your future wife but only God can show you whether she's the one. I say go all out, go on a fast.
Reply