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I love my boyfriend. My first love. My greatest love. Ever since we were 13 or 14, it has always been him. But ever since before, without him saying it, he has always been in love with Ann. Pretty, smart, perfect Ann, who was also my friend. You see, we were a quintet. Five friends against the world. Me, My boyfriend, Ann, and two other idiots. When we were in high school, we dated but it didn't last long. I wanted it to, but he called it quits. He told me reasons, but to be honest, deep down I knew why. His heart belonged elsewhere. His eyes told me things he never could. They always had this strange connection. A connection I could never join into. They talked of weird things, things only the two of them could understand. Ann was another idiot, she liked him but she was too immersed in herself to even notice. Ann was beautiful and ambitious. She had good grades and she dreamed big. She dreamed of being out there, away from our small town. To me, she was also a tree. She was wise beyond her years and she always knew what to do. She was a friend I wanted to keep forever. But my boyfriend, he was the world to me. He was my dream. I didn't dream of being elsewhere. I only wanted to be with him forever. But that wasn't enough, I guess.
So graduation came and we all went our separate ways..for a while. Five years later, we all reconnected, except for Ann. She was busy with work that time. I saw him again, and I still felt the same. Still in love and still hoping. I even prayed to God countless times to have him. And indeed, my prayers were answered. We started to date again. We are dating for a year now but recently, we had another gathering. Ann was there. And there it was. That very same look in his eyes. A look that told me a million things. He looked at her with a look that told me he missed her. "Does he still long for her" "Does he still want her?" I asked him, he assured me that he didn't and that he loved me. But why do I feel like this? Why does it still hurt? He would never cheat on me because he's not that type of person and if Ann does have any feelings for him, she has too much dignity to actually act on such feelings. I don't what to do. I am not at ease. Even though, Ann already flew back to NYC yesterday, and my boyfriend is here with me, I still feel uneasy. The night we went home from the gathering, he felt different. He was not himself. I don't know what to do or what to feel.
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You are afraid aren't you? I understand the whole fear of losing someone you love the most. The fear makes us believe few things that are untrue and blinding us towards truth. It is difficult to think rationally although is the most widely suggested practice. It sucks and makes us start believing that are we being selfish or are you trying to lock your lover. That he must love us with his will and hope that it has always been us.
ReplyIn time your boyfriend will forget about Ann and the way he feels about her. So you forget about her as well and build on your relationship. It is not nice to call other people idiots, there is karma.
ReplyYou can never forget your first love.
ReplyI understand your fear. But love should be built on trust. You need to trust his love for you and most of all, you need to trust your love for him. Even when right now, you feel like he is shaken everytime he sees Ann, your love shouldn't change. Most of all, it shouldn't turn into fear and anxiety. Your love is true. That's all that matters. Everything will fall into place one day. What's meant to be will be. Just love. Love with all your heart. Love without any fear. You love him and that is enough.
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