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I got new information about my mom's death and I'm not handling it well
4 years ago · 2 · death, +5
1146
My mom died when I was fourteen (she was 33) and I guess everyone agreed to tell me and my little sister that she'd died peacefully in her sleep. This was in 2012. A *relative and I were talking and he said she'd been found on the floor, not in her bed, which meant she'd had a slow, horrible death and was awake for at least some of it.
I'm not upset with anyone for lying about it. I know my fourteen-year-old self wouldn't have been able to deal with that. My dad died when I was four and of course no one told me it was suicide until I was older, so I've been through this once before.
I'm upset because this whole time I thought, at least she got to go how she wanted to; just a quiet passing without any awareness. First I was told a few years ago by this relative that he'd been given her phone right after her death and found a bunch of texts to her then-boyfriend (who I'm gonna call Dan) begging him to come home and bring her something to drink because she couldn't get out of bed. Dan staying away for days was normal. Her not being able to get up was normal. She had days of sickness on occasion that usually would pass eventually. Dan completely ignoring her messages and basically letting her die was obviously not normal. That got to me pretty bad back when I first heard about it, but this is worse.
She couldn't call out to me or my sister for help. She died alone in the dark and silence. She must have tried to get up and didn't make it to the door. I don't know why she didn't call 911. I don't know why she didn't message our older sister. I don't know why she didn't message literally anyone else but Dan. All I know is she didn't deserve to have an ending that awful.
How am I supposed to process this? I didn't remember my dad much by the time I was old enough to know what suicide was and I wasn't very affected by it until I was an adult. I'm in kind of a shock right now and I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.
*not biologically related to me in any way, just someone I consider family
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It's hard - even impossible - to process this and most people are not even able to move on from such a death of their loved one, but, hey... it's normal to get upset, it's normal to not be able to accept that your mother passed away that way, it's normal to not be able to feel normal again. You lost someone. Many people do. No wait. Everyone does. And yes, 90% of the time, people die unhappily. I am sorry that i said that, i really am. Yes, you are feeling terrible, upset and lost. The pain never goes away. It stays.It will exist forever and make you feel numb from time to time, but it becomes smaller and smaller. And fades. And it might change you. But it's all for the better. I am sorry for just blurting these things here, i just wanted to tell you, that it's okay to be sad now..
ReplyI am so sorry you are having to deal with this. You do not deserve this to happen to you. I am not sure what age you are now but when you can, I would recommend finding a professional to talk to. Try to talk to someone now if you can. There are organisations out there that help people process trauma, because I am sorry to say but I think you have been traumatised by these events. Try to be your own best friend. Imagine the little kid you were and still are inside and try to take care of that kid. I am sending you love.
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