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So it happened again, kind of like a hypnosis.. I got high and felt and heard things again. Can never actually SEE it happening, but I just know, deep down in my GUT, that I was molested. I did a LOT of research on it, & matching symptoms show. For one, I've masturbated since before age 5, because that's as far back as I can remember. It just sounds so obvious now. Like I never feel fully clean, I feel slightly off after sex but never say anything, I have intestinal problems, used to have extreme anxiety and dissociation as a child, oh and i wet the bed a couple times still when I was 8 or 9.
The craziest part is that the articles and stuff say how common it is in your 20s to repress memories (usually with drugs and or alcohol), because of a new phase of adulthood and acceptance. I'll admit growing up sucked, and makes sense now why it seemed harder for me since my childhood feels stolen. But my whole life makes sense now, being so interested in psychology and philosophy, dreams and reality, the way humans work, the conscious as well as the SUBconscious, always feeling without control... It's not fair though. As a teen, I could get high and feel so good, in fact I think it cured my serious depression when I first tried it. But these days my heart just races and then ugh, my hands tighten, my teeth clench, I feel parts of my body.. apparently I cried and kept slapping myself and shouting to stop that first time it happened.
After the second experience on Monday, I just confirmed that something DID happen to me. I don't wana know though. I don't need to do that to move on with my life. I can just keep going forward as I had done before... but maybe just stay off the mj for a while. Before anyone suggests professional help, I looked that up too & many victims can actually live their lives (if not better) WITHOUT having to remember. I guess I am also just one who does not need to dig this traumatic memory back up. Again just wanted to share. Thank you for listening/reading, if you did <3
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Some revisit these old memories in a kind of scrapbook style hypnosis, playing around with circuits so to say in a more removed sense. Once the traumas are identified, they are rewired by categorizing, then like a survey, filled out and analyzed, they get filed away and are done once completed. This is how I got over my fear of the dark. My mind kept flashing images of screaming, fast moving specters floating at me rapidly from the dark, but then I realized it was the embodiment of unknown reasons why my parents and teachers got angry with me. It was a visual metaphor of my anxieties. Now I attack or command the creatures in my nightmares, and they obey. Your mind might be thinking it is time to finally wage war against this hidden turmoil that has gone un-checked long enough.
ReplyThat makes sense that most people are better off not remembering and having to work through their traumas. You seem to be very intelligent and with it so hopefully you will work things out for the best. Good luck.
ReplyTherapy is not for everyone, and you are an example of that. You don't need to know about your trauma, and that sounds so nice! I hope you keep living your life to the fullest, still with this new information.
And just to be safe (I do this with anyone I meet that has gone through this, as have I)
You're not disgusting. And you're ok.
ReplyI think I have the same case as you. I have repressed childhood sexual traumas that I'm convinced my brain blocked out. Its kinda ruined sexual anything for me. I'm glad I vaguely remember it though.
ReplyUgh same. I'm back to not even being able to masturbate comfortably anymore.. which ik even for "normal" people that was probly a little bit tmi lol but, it's just not fair /: I think with time, all things will feel okay again.. but right now i still get bad anxiety and dissociation every once in a while. Just glad it's nothing compared to when i was that really scared child </3 we'll be okay, if we give it time. And thank God we are not alone <3 cuz sometimes i felt so isolated and alone
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