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Okay I just have to get this off my chest. From the moment we broke up, I knew you would have a girlfriend by the end of the semester. I knew because that's what happened with your ex before me and me: November breakup, March get-together. I also feared, from the moment we broke up, that you'd get together with someone I knew (or worse, liked). It made me feel like an all-powerful psychic when both these things came true: not only were you in a relationship by December, you were in a relationship with someone I introduced you to, my friend we did a class project with (she was supposed to graduate, and she had a boyfriend at the time...in fact, she had a boyfriend up until the moment she got together with you). I actually knew you were together before I saw you together at that concert (did I shock you by being there?)...you probably thought you were low-key being smooth by breaking our No Talking rule to fill me in on the "facts" of her situation with her ex (information you thought was relevant to me but actually wasn't), but I knew immediately that you two were together because 1) you texted me after midnight, which means she probably was in bed next to you, 2) you wouldn't be privy to that information unless you were together, 3) you don't know this, but I'd ran into her ex-boyfriend at the bar (he was in tears) and he'd already told me everything you told me. Let me tell you something else you don't know: I had a lover myself, and we were sleeping next to each other when you texted...my text tone woke me up. I purposely hid him from you because I didn't want to hurt you. Now, I wish I'd brought him to the concert where I saw you with her. (Does she know about me? I think you told her because she used to say hello to me all the time, she introduced me to her last ex-boyfriend as an important person in her life and the smartest person she knows, but now she doesn't even wave to me when we pass on campus. At the same time, it doesn't look like you guys have the same kind of relationship we had, and maybe you don't want her to find out...you told me not to tell anyone when you texted me about her situation, was that because you didn't want people to find out? Or you didn't want *her* to find out?) Anyway, I see you two at least twice a week, which isn't my favorite thing in the world, it doesn't hurt me, but do I like it? No. What I hate about it the most though is that I feel so unnecessarily hung up. You moved on, I moved on (the man I was with after you was one of the best I ever had, a love of my life), we're both done, so can you please vacate my brain? Can your little ghost please get out of my life? What do I have to fix about myself to make it easier for me to move on, and how do I fix it? I don't want to speculate anymore about whether you liked her when we were together or whether you'll ever be aware that what we had was a rare thing or whether you ever even missed me or whether your parents are happy that your new gf is only slightly older than you or whether you're having all the same conversations with her that you had with me at 3:00am ("I've never said this to anyone before") or whether you're really being yourself instead of doubling down on the fake version of yourself or whether you still trust me as much as ever (you said you did when you texted me out of the blue, threw me for a loop), etc. I don't want to be on high alert when we're all in the same room, wondering if you're observing me, wondering what she knows, wondering if you're getting bored of having to spend every minute on earth together (or, worse, loving it much more than what we had going on even though what we had was special). I don't want to continue criticizing myself for saying yes to you in the first place, I don't want to feel guilty that the fact that we "happened" may have ruined a special thing between us, I don't want to be afraid of what you think of me (and what other people think of me based on the fact that our relationship happened, if that information has gotten out). You matter to me. I care about you being the best version of yourself, the happiest version of yourself. I was so afraid of hurting you while we were together that I hurt myself to protect you (and when I realized you were getting into a relationship with her before her last relationship was over, when every one of her relationships ends badly with the man being labeled "dangerous," my first instinct was to protect you from your own desires, but I have to let you make your mistakes). One day, maybe we can be true friends, and I hope the trust you have in me remains there, because if you came to me in an hour of need, you know I'd suit up and go to battle. So how do I get past this moment in time? How do I stop thinking about all this? How do I let go?
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This has recently happened so with time it will fade away. Concentrate on what you are doing now instead of dwelling on the past. It will never change. You grow and learn from experiences so it was a lesson worth learning.
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