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I'm going to dump some things here to help clear up my mind. Don't worry about it too much, I would never hurt someone, and i try hard not to hurt myself. I just get worked up and my mind runs crazy.
I'm fucking losing it. I want to fucking hurt someone. I want to kill someone. I imagine killing my family or people who have hurt the ones I love. I lose myself in a fantasy I don't understand. The MOMENT she starts fucking crying or they start fucking bitching or any of them activate a trigger I lose it, i imagine me fucking strangling them all to death and then killing myself, i have thoughts of finding someone random and torturing or killing them. There's a part of me that craves to be in control and powerful. It wants it so bad in so many ways. And if that wasn't bad enough the other part of me is my good side yet still even a small part of it wants it too because it wants to destroy itself, i want to ruin my life and bring so much guilt and hate onto myself, I want to ruin my life, I want to ruin someone else's life, i want to end their lives, i fucking hate my family, i cant stand it, I cant decide if theyre good or bad, do i love you or hate you? theyre hardly raising you and whenever i remember that i want to kill you and end it i want to kill them all and end my life i hate myself so much i want to fucking destroy myself i want to destroy and destroy and destroy and i want to do everything for my girlfriend and be so so good even if she hated me some day i would be so good so i cant destroy myself unless she told me to. I want to FUCKING RUIN MY LIFE oh my god i wish just once you would tell me that you hate me I want to cry about it so fucking bad please, why am i like this i wish i was normal why do i get like this, why? I tear myself apart daily.
STOP STOP STOP DSTOP STOP PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THE SOUNDS STOP I CANT HANDLE CRYING OR SCREAMING OR ANGRY TONES OR COLD WORDS OR PAINFUL WHINES OR ANYTHING I CANT DONT EVEN CALL UP TO ME OR ILL GET UPSET JUST LEAVe Me ALONE AND LEAVE EACHOTHER ALONE FOR GODS SAKe AND LET ME ROT AWAY PLEASE
I JUST WANT TO BE GOOD AND DESTROY MYSELF IF I HAVE TO I WANT TO BE SO GOOD I HATE THIS DARK SIDE OF ME AND I HATE LIVING HERE IT MESSES UP MY MIND AND RUINS MY LIFE BECAUSE WHENEVER I TRY TO TALK ABOUT IT IT ALWAYS COMES ACROSS WRONG, I JUST CANT DO THIS PLEASE
I'M GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT SOME DAY
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Hey, i say this with all the compassion in the world, but please get help. It's must be horrible to live with all that rage, and it doesn't seem super safe for you or your family. Don't wait for that loss of control, get help before it's too late. I understand what it is to like to wanna destroy yourself, but if you can't get help for yourself, get it for someone you care about. Or something. Or whatever you wanna do with your life. Whatever it takes to motivate yourself to get the help you need. I really hope things work out for you
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