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You made me feel as if I was worthless.
You made me cry more often than smile.
When you put your hand out, I flinched.
You isolated me & I knew it, I let you have the power.
You took a person who thought the best of everyone and turned them into someone who would second guess every word, trusting nobody. Paranoid without reason.
You controlled my every move, you made all my decisions.
You made sure I always felt alone.
You blamed me. You blamed me for things that were totally out of my control.
When I would show emotion, you would get angry.
And when you got angry, I would crumple.
I would become withdrawn.
I would shrivel up into a ball, because when you were angry there was only me in the firing line.
You lost the ability to control yourself, you would throw me or pin me down.
Squeeze my throat. Tell me it was all my fault.
I was strong before you. I was determined. I had dreams and I had courage.
While I was pregnant with our first daughter, you threw me through a door. You had no regard for the life you helped create growing inside me.
When she was born, you had a spark to your eye id never seen. You made me a mother and for that, I loved you. I let you in and you flourished as a father.
I held onto it, i tried my hardest and for a while it was okay.
I never felt safe but I did feel something and that was better than the nothingness before.
When our second daughter was born you never bonded with her.
She’d wake at night and you’d yell at her.
You would tell me to “shut it up before I kill it”.
Your own flesh and blood.
Our innocent baby girl.
You are the man supposed to adore and protect her. But instead, you are the reason she, even now, can’t be away from me.
You are the reason our 1 year old daughter has anxiety the moment her mother is out of sight.
You’re the reason both our daughters shake and cry the moment voices are raised.
They are strong without you.
I have done things wrong, and that I won’t deny.
After you’d laid hands on me, I climbed into someone else’s bed.
The safety he temporarily provided was the only way I knew I could hurt you back.
The toxicity of our relationship was beyond measurement.
I am sorry for the pain I caused you.
I know I will never hear the same from you, but i have come to accept it.
I didn’t deserve it. But neither did you.
But you have laid hands on me for the last time.
I am getting stronger without you.
The old me is slowing coming back.
I found myself again.
All the times you called me ugly and fat, and told me I wasn’t enough mean nothing to me now.
I will be strong without you.
You have made me the bad guy, you have lied until I had nobody left. You still isolate me, even being this far away.
But it’s okay. Because I am strong, I don’t need you. And I never did. I fell out of love with you a long time ago, and in my head, I was already gone.
You made me feel like abuse was okay.
That you loved me and it was just passion that made you feel so deeply. I now know that it was not love and it was not passion.
Love does not hold hold someone down, love is not caressing a freshly bruised face.
Love is acceptance, love is support. Love is safe.
And now I can honestly say I am happy.
I feel at peace.
The scars you’ve left will always be with me.
I will always be insecure but I don’t flinch when someone reaches out anymore.
I am strong.
And I will only get stronger.
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I'm happy you got out. I am a daughter. I experienced being in a house with domestic violence. It's a great opportunity you left whilst your daughters are still young. The experiences can make them stronger and they can heal.
ReplyThank you!!! Phenomenal insight, poignant and strengthening!
"You took a person who thought the best of everyone and turned them into someone who would second guess every word, trusting nobody. Paranoid without reason."
"You have made me the bad guy, you have lied until I had nobody left. You still isolate me, even being this far away."
These are exactly my experience.
Though I wish you hadn't suffered to be able to offer it, I am strengthened when I read the "me too".
Thank you for sharing your truth.
Reply