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My mind literally feels like a prison nowadays. Overthinking and all the self - hatred and just so much frustration over nothing. I feel like ripping my hair whenever my mind starts thinking about something small and makes thousands of negative imaginative possible endings of that situation.
Then I am not able to let go of that negative thought. And it just keeps on repeating in my mind over and over till I go insane or cry or get an anxiety attack from it. No matter how much I try to distract myself, watch something funny or talk about something else, that thought does not leave me alone.
Then I share it with someone for help and they just say 'Just stop overthinking so much. You are too negative and pessimistic.' So easy to say as if I have not been trying.
I feel trapped in my own mind every f***ing day.
In the end, I slap myself so hard that that thought almost leaves my mind. ALMOST.
(Yes, it is a song by Alec Benjamin. It kind of makes sense.)
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I feel like finally someone else gets me and understands how I feel. My boyfriend does not understand me. He just says that I am too negative. I should stop thinking about something. That it is not THAT difficult.
I pinch myself hard, scratch myself, slap myself hard on the face, just dig my nails hard on my arm. No one really knows that, but that pain makes me feel as if I deserved it and I got what I wanted. And it also lets me forget those ugly thoughts for a moment.
That maybe I am unworthy but see I got what no one is giving me. Physical pain. The mental torture of my own mind is enough to make me insane but physical pain is like an out.
No one else understands. I know they do try their hardest to understand but in the end they don't.
I also get anxiety attacks and I was so embarrassed that one time my friend found me on the floor half naked crying my eyes out, shaking completely, heavy breathing, my parents calling but I am shaking so bad that I can't even pick the phone and can't say a single word. I even poured a lot of water on top of my head to just cool myself down. But it just stretches into half-hour episode and I feel pathetic and weak after. I feel like a waste-of-space sometimes.
PS: I love Alec Benjamin too. Especially Let me down slowly, Mind is a Prison and Must have been the Wind.
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