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I know I talk to you all the time, I just want you to know you're not forgotten. I miss Your smile, your inquisitiveness, and your general pain my butt companionship.
I can't believe it's been 2 years since You left me...*smiles*...and here I am again, another day among countless others that I'm sitting/laying here missing you and crying.
Maybe it was the way you left me so suddenly? I thought you only got stung by a spider or a bee, and it caused your eyes to bug out big like they were...I never imagined that You would have a brain tumor. Maybe that's why your mom abandoned you at 4 days old? They say mother cats can sense a sick kitten and will abandon it.
Maybe it's what happened when I took You to the Vet to get treated thinking it would be a quick visit, only to have to put you to sleep, because she said you weren't going to get better, only worse. I still feel so guilty about it to this day.
Maybe it's that today my sister mentioned someone losing their own cat of 20 yrs..
You were my baby boy. I bottle fed you, and raised you since you were small enough to fit into the palm of my hand, all the way until you were a full grown muscle monster of 18-20 lbs...my big baby..my buddah butt...with Your expressive face, little head and great big butt...*chuckles*...you lived through katrina with me, you traveled with me every time we evacuated to a new place...you were always with me no matter what..
You used to follow me around room to room, never leaving my side. You were my constant companion for...wow...what was it? 17 years? at least....even at my worst...when I would cry you would be there checking on me, sniffing my eyes, and laying against me or on me to comfort me....I miss you so badly....
Every time I go into the kitchen and open the freezer, I think about You jumping up onto the refrigerator freezer ledge, just so you could check out what I was doing....every time I was in the kitchen cooking you wanted to be right there beside me or underfoot...or up on the bench I would pull up next to the stove so you could watch me...I swear, you probably learned to cook human food after all the years of watching me...and every time I open the dryer, I can still see you jumping into it to try and cuddle with the warm, clean clothes and towels....I used to be so scared you would accidentally get shut up into the drier...and now, all I want to do is look in and see you inside of it...
Did you know how much I loved you? Do you know how much I miss you? Were you mad at me at the end, when you went to sleep in my arms?
Was that really you who came home with me? I know I told you to get into your carrier and to follow me home...I know you probably didn't understand what was happening..was it you who I later felt hop up onto the couch next to me off and on for the next two weeks? Who knocked down things in mum's room that you used to knock over? I was so heartbroken when I stopped feeling you hop up onto the couch beside me...I could literally feel the weight of your movement...but then, one day, it stopped.
Did you go away and leave me? I know I told you it was okay to go, because I was worried that you would feel hurt that I didn't see you and react or love on you....I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you and didn't love you anymore...But, I never really wanted you to leave...I just didn't want to be selfish...
Was that you the other day that I thought I heard in my room? it was a meow but not a meow sound, and since there aren't any living around here...and it sounded like it was in the same room as me...but, I'm not sure...maybe it was just wishful thinking or a memory on my part, because I miss you so much??...and I do, miss you, my buddah butt...my heart aches and it breaks all over again, ever single day when I wake up, or turn around, and you're not here with me.
It's been 2 years, and still feels like today/ like yesterday...and I said then that I would not have another animal...because I don't want you to ever feel like you've been replace or that I forgot about you...you're always on my mind...I've been watching some cat videos on youtube lately the last few days...they're hilarious...there's a cat in china or I think it's china, maybe it's japan, I'm not sure...in the creamheros house, named LuLu...and it so reminds me of you...he's a little munchkin kitty with tiny paws and he often stands on his back legs and looks like a little T-Rex with itty-bitty short arms..it's hilarious..and more so his personality...just like you, he has a huge personality...and just like you..he loves his food....and everyone elses..*smiles*...by the way, I hope that you don't feel left out or get upset with me when I eat tuna steak now, I would share it with you again if you were here with me...while I do finally get to eat more of it than you...I don't eat it very often anymore, because it makes me miss you so much...but, I guess, everything makes me miss you....funny, all this grief and loss is supposed to get better over time....but it sure doesn't feel like it does to me..
I really hope that you come back and visit me some times...and even more, I hope that you'll be here when I pass..and I hope I pass away here at home, so I don't miss seeing you again...because at least I have that to look forward to...getting to see you again...I miss you buddah butt...every single day...and if you don't mind...can you please try to let me know you're here if you are...ok?...I Love you my Big Boy...
I'm all cried out, my nose so stuffy I can't breath, my eyes swollen and my heart aching...I think I'm just going to go to be now....maybe if I'm lucky, I'll see you in my dreams, baby boy...
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