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I’ve hit rock bottom again. I’m drinking all the time, waking up with regrets, taking pills. My back is starting to hurt and I think it might be my kidneys and I’m scared. I don’t want to die but I do. It’s just getting harder and harder to even function. I’m so afraid that if I were to be quarantined, I would go insane and end up killing myself because I can’t stand being with my sober thoughts. My relationships are falling apart, my life is falling apart. Where do I even begin? I made an ass out of myself last night because I blacked out and apparently did a lot of things I don’t even remember. I’m so afraid of death and I know I’m slowly killing myseld and I’m so scared. I’m only 19. I’m so afraid I’m going to die from the virus because of how severe my asthma is. I don’t know if God is real but I’m afraid of hell above all else because I was raised in a religious household and it’s just not something I can force myself to believe fully and I’m sure as hell not changing who I am. But I did read some of the book of revelation tonight and at first I thought “this is some weird bullshit” when I read the part about Jesus being literally on fire or something along those lines. Then it got terrifying. My mom talks about the signs of the times all the time so I wanted something I could use as a valid argument against that idea because no, I did not think it was. Now I’m not sure and now I’m scared. What if this is it? What if everything and everyone we love is ripped away by some “fair and righteous” God. If he was fair and righteous, he wouldn’t let the horrible things on this earth happen. Children wouldn’t starve or die of cancer and life would be so much better for it. There would be no stillbirths or miscarriages and older people wouldn’t live out their last years in constant agony from their body giving out on them slowly. I can’t forgive him or shake my doubts about the origin of life and it scares me because I know I can’t let it go. I guess I’m screwed either way.
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Until you make a decision to stop drinking, your life will remain the same. You say you sure as hell are not changing who you are, then how can you expect a different outcome? Sometimes religion is not the answer, so why not just give your heart private attention. No rules, no have to's , just private attention. You and your heart. Private conversation. Nothing more, nothing less. I am not a religious person, but I have found my heart and between God and me, that's okay. It's personal.
Try not to put a lot of thought into if there was a God.....then. Just make your relationship personal. Your life is between you and God.
About death: The more consciously we live our life, the less we fear death.
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