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I've heard of cutting before- I mean in today's world, who hasn't? But I've never liled the thought of putting something to my skin and intentionally hurting myself. There was a time where I half tried to overdose on Tylenol before I realized how stupid it was because even if I did end up overdosing, I would just die slowly and very painfully, and it wouldn't do anything but make me more miserable. At that time, I was in the darkest place of my life I've been in so far, but after three-four years, I've managed to get myself to a place where I get out of bed with minimal mental resistance, and I can go throughout my day without wishing I was dead, or feeing empty inside. To say the least, I've gotten better, but as of late, there has been a lot of change in my life. My mother is getting married (She's been a single mom of two kids ever since I was 5, she was never married and had a different bio father for each kid). And now she's getting married and we're moving to a very remote location becuse the fiancé used to be a drug addict and doesn't want to risk anything. He's been clean for 3 years and is a good guy, and he even has a 10 year old daughter, so I'll be a big sister, but I've gotten used to it being just me and my mom for the past three years since my older sister moved out. On top of that, I'm staying with my mom at my Grandma's because the wedding isn't for another week and the house my mom and her fiancé are fixing up isn't quite ready yet. Then there is COVID-19 and natural disasters and everything I've been looking forward to has fallen through. I'm trying to stay positive, I am, but it's hard. I've already gone to three different high schools and my next will be the fourth as well as my senior year. I'm trying so freaking hard to be okay with it all, especially because my mom is stressed out and if I express anger, frustration, or any negative emotion she either get's angry or cries, and then I just feel worse and end up apologizing for feeling the way I felt. Two days ago, I was getting ready for bed like any other night when I found a pair of hair cutting scissors. I wondered if it would really take away this... emotion I can't even name away, even just for a second, because I couldn't stand it anymore. It's like I'm a shell and I can be filled with any emotion possible, but mentally I don't want to be okay, so I keep pushing myself back into what I call my 'dark place' while also fighting to keep myself out of it. Long story short, I picked up the scissors and cut myself. It didn't make me feel any better and I didn't like the pain afterwards, but I did it again last night and there was something that felt... satisfying? about it. Tonight I did it again, I even felt the slightest bit better and the pain drew me out of my emotional comatose state. Oh, that's a good term for it- emotionally comatose. I'm there, feeling, but I'm a shell of what I could feel. Each time I use the scissors I sterlize them and I keep the cuts clean. This is not me condoning self-harm at all. This is me saying that I recognize I've made a decision that has led me to a point I realize isn't healthy. I should not be satisfied by my pain, nor feel better when physically harming myself, but I do. I'd like to tell someone about it without them telling me to go see a doctor or therapist (both of which I've done). My best friend has cut before, and I know she'd understand if I told her, but she's going through some stuff and I don't want to burden her (especially because I just told her I have feelings for her, though I know she doesn't feel the same). I'm lost, feeling so unsafe, unsteady, and confused. Ever since the beginning of 2020, nothing has gone right or according to plan and I don't know how to cope with all the change. It's hard. It's so freaking hard.
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