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We were so happy, so carefree. Life isn't perfect and ours wasn't either but we always had each other, until we didn't. Until you decided that I wasn't enough. Until you decided that 100% of everything I had still wasn't good enough. Until you decided to replace me with someone else. I know that I don't know everything and I'm torn between my brain telling me that I need to know more and my heart telling me that it can't take another hit.
I decided to be strong - for you, for us. But in that moment, I forgot about one thing - me. I struggle with it daily but you don't know. I hide my sadness, my anger, my contempt and my resentment behind smiles. I hide it because I don't want to hurt you like you hurt me. I hide it because I hope one day I can forget. I hide it because one day I hope I can heal.
It's been so long and nothings changed. You go on with your life in ignorant bliss while I feel myself fading every day, a void of emptiness and anguish that only grows. I don't feel like myself anymore - just a shell of a person. A mime of who I used to be. I remember fondly about what that happiness felt like, clinging to it like a moth to a flame, knowing that flying too close can burn me. I tell myself every day that everything will be ok but I know that I'm lying to myself for the benefit of you.
I can't say this to you because it will break your heart. I can't say this to you because, maybe, I'm not strong enough. I know that you are trying in your own way to make it right, but maybe this is something that can't be fixed, something that can't be sewn back together. Maybe it's not getting better because I'm so guarded, because every time you get close to me again I get scared. Every time you get close to me I feel like I'm more alone because I can't tell you these things.
Maybe I should have left. Maybe I should have worried less about you and more about me, but I can't be selfish. I can't be selfish like you. So I end up sitting here, alone in the dark while you dream. Worried about who or what you are dreaming of. Worried about if I'm making the right decision. Worried about how long I can go on living like this.
It's different now, it can't not be. I can't feel the same as I did before because I'm not the same as I was before, fundamentally changed. I don't even know who I am anymore. When you look at me, you still see me. When I look in the mirror, it feel like a pool of silver - a facade that ripples away at the gentlest of provocation.
I've sacrified myself twice for you, so why do I feel so guilty about making you sacrifice something? Why do I feel like this is my fault? Maybe that's why I stayed - feeling culpable for something I can't control.
But you'll never know. Or maybe you will. I feel like I'm on the precipice of a supernova, an explosion that will either bring new life or phase it out forever.
I just hope in the end that I'll finally feel like myself again.
Maybe.
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