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It's been a year since the last time I self harmed. And last night, I can't take it anymore, I did it.
I'm not proud if my self that is like this, but shit has been falling into places. These quarantine forced me to stay with my family which I'm really uncomfortable, they always force their ideas into me. Every single time.
The only safe haven that I have is my boyfriend, the only person that I can fully be my own self, and we argued 2 days ago and he's been ignoring me untill now. It's almost 3 days. I've been tried to reach out to him, but he still so mad at me.
I don't know what to do. I'm at lost over here. Making my most important person mad at me is bad enough, it makes me thinking, what if I'm too comfortable be my self that I ended up hurting him?
I hate my self. I don't know where to go. I called him or chat him whenever I felt lost while I'm at home. Whenever I have no one to talk to, we played online games and such. And now I can't anymore. He's mad at me and I also don't get along with my family.
I don't know where to go anymore, I feel like I've been a bad person to him, I hurt him, I said bad and mean stuff to him when we argued, no wonder he's mad at me.
And last night, I punished myself. I did it again. I hurt my wrist with a pointy pen. At first, I want to distract my self by drawing lines on my wrist, they say it could help, but I ended ip put a lot of pressure on it, it leaves scars on my wrist. 7 scars. It felt good at first, but now I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed I never done anything good, I'm ashamed I hurt the person I love the most, and I'm ashamed I did this again after 1 year free of self harm. I'm dissapointed to myself.
I just want to dissapear.
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People make mistakes in life but they get over them and so will you. Hopefully your boyfriend will talk to you and you and he will make up and everything will be okay again. Be very strong and see how long you can go without cutting yourself. Try hard to never to do it again.
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