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We talked...
Though I am sticking to my guns of change, it was told there is no redemption, no second chance. I'm at a loss, I cannot breathe, my hands are shaking, and I feel the creeping gut feeling of throwing up. Two months, even ONE month ago, had I seen what I was doing. I could have changed all of this, I could have avoided this failure. I've known gaming since I could hold a controller. And it's what I've done since. I finally see how unhealthy this is, how hurtful it can be to others.
All it took was the loss of who I love. The loss of any ability to try again, to be happy. I feel that she thinks she cannot trust me, though she says that was not the issue. I feel it's both... my neglect, and she's all too familiar with those who said they would, and never did.
It's killing me. I am not quite sure how to cope, and I don't want to fall into bad habits, or temporary comforts. These don't help, in my past I learned that the hard way. I want to sit here and say; "I feel she has doubts in her thoughts." I want to...bargain, I want to pretend. But it makes me feel like everyone else, the idea that you have control over what they do, or decide. I can only show you what I have done to correct this awful issue...I stand by what I said. I will be here, should there be. No, I am not 'waiting', but I would wait a decade if it meant I could call you mine again.
I'm being selfish right now. My mind swirling with thoughts of why, how, and what if. I asked her about her friend. She brought up he's already shown interest...but she's not in the market. But I'm scared, I'm terrified...those wanting will say a lot to get what they desire. I'm so damn scared of seeing someone else in her life, and I know that's a fucking horrible thing to say. But she's everything to me still. I want to lash out, I want to scream, I want to hit things. I will not, can not. I will be better, I 'am' better than that.
She made a comment about me speaking badly of her. She's done nothing wrong, at all. Though once had an issue where something was done I had told her before I would more than likely reconsider, or end a relationship for. ...it happened, but despite how strongly I felt, how...I don't want to say betrayed, but hurt? I continued on. And honestly almost forgot about it entirely.
It's easy for me, being the one who created the issue to say things are fine now, give me another chance, begging, pleading. Feeling that every moment spent is one more away from her. Letting go is so hard...I want to cling. I told her should there be any doubt, I'm here. That was stupid. Though I meant it, I shouldn't have said that.
I pine so hard for her laugh, her company. But I need to find out some way...to not interfere with her life. When I'm around her, I have this sense of longing, of just being heart broken. I felt it was unfair, that some others got 'second' chances, where as mine was "I'm done, I'm hurt because X." And though I am trying to get rid of those feelings, they persist...and are unfair. Grasping at straws to make sense.
I just want to spend every bit of time I can with her. To go; "Look! See? You don't have to worry about me ever sitting for 8 hours on a game again! Unless we're all doing it together!" And again, I'm saying it again, that's unfair to her. Trying to smother her with myself may make her resent me, it may not, but it's not right. And I'm fighting myself so hard to not do this. Fuck, what do I do!? What's the right actions, what's the wrong action? What can I do? I've not felt such loss for years.
She'll do great, regardless of my involvement in her life, of this I have no doubt. I just wish..wish so hard, that I could prove to her I would never hurt her again in such a way...
I have so many more thoughts that aren't something I'd want to bring up here, to write about. They are silly, personal fears and thoughts about this situation. But...I stand by what I have said to her, and to myself. Time will tell...
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