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1 month ago · · Loneliness,
I just got off the phone with my cousin and she drove past my house to see my aunt because she's afraid that she'll get sick by me. I didn't think it would make me cry but I've been balling for the last 10 minutes.
I don't think anyone will ever understand how lonely it is to be an essential worker who is living alone. My husband is deployed my family and friends are spread out. Some of them take the time to see each other because they've stayed at home for so long that they are "sure" that they're not sick. But I work at the hospital... every other week, I tell my parents to stay away from me even though they want to be with me, my husband is deployed in a county with almost a 12-hour difference, my brother could have been with me but he went to be with his girlfriend in West Virginia, my friends and family are afraid to come near me, my roommate moved out when all this started, and so I'm left all by my self. I understand the fear but it doesn't take away my loneliness.
I try to make the time pass by watching countless videos, listening to audiobooks, writing, cleaning almost obsessively, studying, and I even took along Highway 1 yesterday to Big Sur but none of it takes away the loneliness.
I try to fill my day and find things to take away the loneliness, I try to find ways to hype myself up but lately my husband has been taking it away. I know it's a lot of power to give him... The other day I traded cars with my brother because he has a sports car and was really excited to drive his car, but then my husband decided to ask if I grabbed the FastPass from my car when I said no he continued to tell me that he thinks of those things so easily because he's the one that pays for that stuff, and mentioned how my brothers' car is also more expensive on gas, asking me if I consider those financial aspects when I do such a simple thing as borrowing my brothers' car for a day. I got so upset by how he was making me feel guilty by borrowing his car, it made me not want to do anything for the rest of the day...
We got into an argument about how I thought it was completely unnecessary for him to mention those things, and he argued back that it was just a "thought that came to mind" and so I asked if he understood how it affected me and he refused to take any responsibility for making me feel bad about borrowing his car. He kept pressing about how he was right regardless of the fact that I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. When I felt the disregard for my emotions I went on a relationship destructive spiel and told him about how that the reason why his brother doesn't like to talk to him... because he is quick to talk about the negatives that are going on in someone's life. The conversation continued, he kept talking about how what he said wasn't a big deal, and how it's not his fault that I felt sad... I warned him that if we continue with the conversation that I might emotionally be taken down a dark path... you think that would stop him and cause him to show some empath.. but now.
This lead to me talking about divorce seriously for the first time, we've had these arguments about how he relates everything to finances and continues to say statements that make me feel incompetent financially for 4 years now. He continues to stand his ground sternly and unempathetically, regardless of the emotion I'm expressing, he continues to rationalize that the way that I get affected by the words he says is not a fault of his but due to my depression, completely resolving him of any responsibility for his words or actions. I feel like we've had these fights over and over again, where we get to this point where I feel like killing my self due to not seeing a future where things change, and he says that he'll work on his obsession with finances, but a couple of weeks later he talks to me about how it wasn't actually his fault and if I didn't have depression we wouldn't have had the argument in the first place... and I don't know where else to go from there.
I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm financially incompetent, because I know I'm not. I'm tired of getting to a point in an argument where I say hurtful things to the person I love as a defensive mechanism. I'm tired of feeling hopeless that things won't change and being robbed of my happiness due to highly insignificant financial decisions... And I'm tired of having a partner that doesn't know how to be emotionally empathetic.
That adding to my loneliness doesn't really put me in the best mental state.