What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
What it’s like to live with depression. Well to start off it’s not what some people try to make it seem. I guess some do it for attention or a way to escape something. Being truly depressed is much scarier than anyone knows that hasn’t experienced it.
Being truly depressed is a crushing feeling, that doesn’t go away. It is something that people deal with their entire lives. Some days are better than others, but it’s always there in deep inside of you just staring at your soul.
I always knew I was different than most around me even as a kid. Most kids were just happy while playing with friends, care free. Well me, on the other hand, I was always overthinking every step I made. Feeding into that deep dark hole I’d find out later to be depression.
I remember even at a young age that I had thoughts that would scare me. Ones of not wanting to be, not wanting to exist. Never knew the reasoning behind them, I tried my hardest to suppress them. I didn’t know where to turn to for any advice, nobody else I knew seemed to have the same issue. I felt all alone in this.
As I got older, I got very good at hiding my emotions and feelings. Now this is where the story takes the turn for the worst. The older I got the better I was at putting on a smile for everyone. In high school I met the girl I thought would be my forever. Man we’re we in love. Two young people that felt like all we needed were each other in life. Everyday that went by, I loved her more. Sounds great, except all the while my depression had grew into something I could have never imagined. I just knew with this true love I had found that it would go away, but that wasn’t the case.
A few years go by and we find out we are having a baby, and I’ll be honest I never wanted kids. One thing I knew though is I wasn’t going to step out of this kids life. Now at this point in life that my depression had gotten so bad that I started to hate myself, started to take all my rage towards myself out on my love. I’ve always been too scared to talk about my thoughts and feelings, that’s a scary subject when you’re depressed. She never deserved the things I said and did, but I had so much built up rage that I couldn’t help it. All I wanted to do is be alone at this point, and that’s definitely no way to be when in a relationship with a kid involved now. We fought and made up, more than I’d like to admit. It was like she wanted to fight me for everything and I didn’t like that, but it was from my own actions. We went through several years like that, she just continued to hold on to this rollercoaster of me. Only thing was, everything that was happening took a toll on her over time, and with the time we had spent together she got to her end. She left me after 6 years of being together. I’ll say I have never been so scared in my life, this was what I envisioned he’ll to be. We spent some time apart, while I tried to get my issues in order. I hit rock bottom at this point in my life. I was 24 at the time and more depressed than ever. I have struggled with suicide all my life, but not like this. I was in a very dark place in my mind, and I couldn’t seem to escape it. There was a week in our separation that I sat down four different days and typed four letters. My son, her, mom, and dad. I covered all the people that would he most effected by what I was thinking. When I finished them all, I closed Word and tried to stay together for a bit longer. I knew if I ever printed those letters out, it would he over for me.
Now some weeks had gone by I had been talking to her religiously, pleading my case. Trying to win her back, to be once again with the person I felt was my soulmate. I did it, I achieved what I thought was impossible. We got back together, and I was relieved to say the least. I had used my time apart to think, to forgive myself and let go of some of that self hatred. That really helped us in the beginning.
Things had been going good, except here is my depression creeping back on me. This time it wasn’t anger, it was fear. I had gotten to such a low point I was afraid to go back there ever again. Now another issue has came up, I can’t let myself do the things I told her I would. The things that brought us back together. I had such a deep fear of my depression at this point in my life that I couldn’t live her the way I said I could. It’s like I was so scared of losing her again that I distanced myself from her, as if I was trying to stop caring or loving her. I could get it under control for some time, then here it came again.
I have lived my life trying to stay away from depression, and it has hurt me from day one. It has hurt the ones I love most, the that I depend on for happiness. Now at the eight year mark we are at the same crossroads, she is gone. She can’t handle not being loved properly anymore. I am back to that all too familiar place again, and it’s scary. This is the first time I have opened up about my depression, ever. In hopes that this will help me heal myself, make me better. Maybe if I can get past this fear I can be the person she wants me to be. I know what I need to do, I just can’t.
I’m considering trying a therapist or psychologist. Maybe that’s what I need, even if it’s a scary thing to do. I don’t want to talk about it, it’s hard talk about this in front of someone. I can’t take anymore chances though, I have to keep the love of my life for good this time at all costs. I guess the next step is to get help, maybe some sort of medication will help as well.
One thing I know is depression has destroyed my life, and I’m done with it. It’s fine to face my fears and do what I should have done years ago. I cannot let her slip away from me again. She is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’ll go to end of the earth to see that happen.
My biggest piece of advise to anyone struggling with depression is don’t wait, get help early on. Keep yourself from tearing everything around you as you spiral down. Fix the problem before you have really hurt someone like I have. Now I have a long road ahead to fix the things I’ve messed up. Hopefully this will help someone, just hang in there and make things better. Nothing gets better with time in this case, you have to make it better.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
I feel lost
I feel really, really lost right now. I don't know what to do. My cat just got put down, and it kind've tipped me over the edge. I haven't been doing okay for...
-
What’s wrong with me???
I have so many things on my mind I came here to write it but now I don’t know how to explain it. I just have this feeling in my chest and throat that’s suff...
You are absolutely right. I need someone to talk to. Can you,?
ReplyU R not alone. You will get thru evry thing u R going through
Reply