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*TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM*
She was sitting there in a cold pitch black room with a knife to her wrist, the small frigid blade pressing hard enough just to break for the first few layers of her skin to split apart. She had hot tears streaming down her face continuously even though she had been crying for hours hoping soon she would have no more tears left to cry. The feeling of hopelessness and being alone weighed so hard in her body that she felt like one big weight stuck to the floor. She hated being there, being alive. The very sound of her labored breathing angered her and she cried harder, more tears quickly saturated the sweatshirt her grandfather sent her a year ago. Her eyes drifted up to the board in her room covered with pictures of her "friends" smiling and laughing and she looked at one of the girls as more anger filled her, making her once again, cry harder and harder. They all abandoned her, they all hurt her thinking she would just let it go, they all pushed her further into the dark. But that anger quickly settled into loneliness and all she felt was brokenness along with the knowledge that she could never be loved. The urge to push the knife harder grew stronger and stronger, no one would care right?
More tears filled her eyes and she could no longer see past her nose. She screamed out for help, "God!" she yelled "If you are real, I'm begging you, stop me! Make me feel some sort of comfort to feel less alone! Just one thing! Please!" She yelled louder making her voice crack at the end, the tears seemingly nearly drowning her. She waited for a while, now curled up in a ball in the corner of that room sobbing. There was nothing. Everything was getting worse, every damn emotion. Nothing was happening, she didn't feel better even the slightest. Not a simple calming thought hit her mind. So she gave up trying. She picked up the knife she had thrown into the middle of the room and pushed the blade onto her skin harder than she ever had. And she didn't stop. Not until every limb she had was in some sort of way injured. After she finished she stood up, climbed into bed, and silently with a broken voice hummed herself to sleep with tears still staining her cheeks. When she woke up she tried her best to cover her wounds and walk upstairs with a smile, trying to help her father despite the constant yelling and snapping comments he sent towards everyone, especially her. Affirming the belief that no one truly gave a damn about her.
They asked me why I didn't believe in God, but when have I ever had proof that he is there? How do you expect me to believe in something or someone that was supposed to be there for me. I called out countless times and there was absolutely nothing for months on end. He isn't there. I know he's not. I'm mentally in a better area but that is one fact that I can't find faults my head. He never will be there. Ever. People around me can help me, that's the reason that I'm still here today, but I can never regain that knowledge of something being out there like that again.
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God wont stop you. You're given free will. However if you pray to him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you and that you want to know Him and His Son and their love they will come. I know from experience. It's love nothing in this world can compare to. It takes faith a grain the size of a mustard seed with it you can move mountains...and it's not very big at all. Everybody has a measure of faith. Like trusting somebody to catch you. If you believe wifi is real Gods works on the same concept. Unseen.
ReplyIf the only time you talk to God is when you want help or want something He won't acknowledge you. How would you like it if you had a child who completely ignored you except to ask for something. The best way to have God come into your life is to read The Bible and build up a relationship with Him. Then keep praying and talking to Him as your heavenly Father without asking for anything. Then He will know you are being sincere in having Him with you. If The Bible is too hard and a bit much to understand do a Bible study with someone who already understands this book of books.
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